Girl with Glasses

Nugget of Wisdom #1

2009-01-27T22:11:00.002-06:00

If there's not at least one person in the world who really really despises you, you're probably not doing it right.

Bonfire of the Vanities It is Not

2009-01-26T17:03:00.005-06:00

For God knows what reason, I get people following me on Twitter whom I have never met, never had any interest in meeting, and I can't IMAGINE have any interest whatsoever in what I'm tweeting. When they don't try to involve me in a pyramid scheme or try to sell me dietary supplements, then I get really bewildered as to why they would want to read my updates and send me messages like, "lol how about guy did u and u don't remeber?lol" with a pair of lol's on either side of the sentence like fucking bookends.

What follows is a conversation between someone who calls herself Sindy Claw (crazy3) who started following me on January 16th, and her intellectual equal, LooneytunezXL. Keep in mind that this is taken from TWITTER, not AOL instant messenger, so it documents about 22 tweets between the two of them, over the course of about an hour.
As I type this, they are STILL discussing chips with poorly veiled and ineffective sexual inuendo:

LooneyTunezXL: EATING CHIPS!!!!...LOLZ
Crazy3: what kinds lol
LooneyTunezXL: Every Kind Yu Can Think Of...LOLZ
Crazy3: r they GOOD
LooneyTunezXL: Very....LOLZ
Crazy3: LOL WELL THEN I'M HAPPY UR EATING GOOD SHIPS LOL
LooneyTunezXL: U Can Eat Them 2.
Crazy3: SO HOW WAS UR DAY ?
Crazy3:really lol how ?
LooneyTunezXL: LOLZ...Cum Over
Crazy3: do u think i would like ur chips lol?
Crazy3:i think i would lol
LooneyTunezXL: Yea
LooneyTunezXL: Me 2
Crazy3: how much chips do u have lol?

Hai Dekimasu yo!

2009-01-23T12:47:00.005-06:00

I received this email advertisement from a bar in Tokyo.

Yes We, Can!

The Party at AFRICA bar in 代官山 Daikanyama

So you missed the Inauguration parties, but you can still celebrate the love, hope and high spirit of international harmony at the "Yes, We Can!" Valentine Private Party in the deluxe, sophisticated-yet-casual setting of Africa Daikanyama.

We are planning a wonderful night filled with great music, drinks, prizes, and cool international people including tons of bilingual Japanese women who are keen to meet foreigners. Delicious Italian food will also be available. The bar can hold up to 300 people. Since this is a private event please purchase party tickets in advance to be put on the guest list and receive a special VIP + OpenClub promotion.

Mark Feb 10 in your calendar! It promises to be a special night with a unique mixture of Valentines Day spirit combined with international harmony and open-mindedness, powered by the world's biggest cross-cultural social networking service, WorldFriends Networks.

Event Details-
Date: February 10th 2009 8 to 10 PM
Venue: AFRICA 代官山 Daikanyama
Price: 5000 Yen (includes 2 drinks at full bar)

[...]
See you there,
WorldFriends Networks

I'm not sure which is my favorite part: the line about "tons of bilingual Japanese women who are keen to meet foreigners" or the fact that this Japanese bar is named "AFRICA" (all caps) and is throwing a party to kindofsortanotreally celebrate Obama's inauguration... a full month late.

Yes We Can! (take the good will and international popularity of a new president and rape it for commercial promotion). Go Japan!

Pam Anderson Puts Her Two Tits in India's Business

2009-01-17T20:39:00.006-06:00

Photo: Reuters

According to Yahoo News, Pamela Anderson is up in arms (or at least she would be if she could move them around those two tether balls attached to her chest) over the city of Mumbai's plan to deal with the nearly epidemic number of stray dogs roaming its streets.

The city government has given its authorities permission to kill dogs who are "causing a nuisance", but that's not sitting well with canine husbandry expert and accredited municipal health and safety official Pamela Anderson.
Oh, wait-a-minute. She's actually neither of those things. She's a marginally talented actress whose gargantuan, fake knockers landed her a TV role running in slow-motion on a beach in the early nineties. Gosh, My mistake!

In a letter written to the municipal commissioner of Mumbai, Pam feels it necessary to point out to the unenlightened savages that "dogs cannot use condoms"...

Which actually does far more to explain how she got Hep C from Tommy Lee than to offer a solution for controlling stray dog populations in India.

Ooouch...

Epson-ality?

2008-12-17T08:55:00.008-06:00

So maybe the guy in charge of naming was hungover from an all-night coke binge when they picked "Epsonality" but otherwise, whoever is handling Epson's web marketing is doing a real bang-up job.

While visiting my last.fm page, I took a chance on a flash advertisement for Epson telling me to enter my last.fm user name to "see [my] music taste in color." I entered Voxcandy and it came up with this surprisingly neat-o graphic:

And here's the one for the boyfriend:

It takes your top artists from the last few months and creates a visual representation of who you listened to and how often. Pretty frickin' neat, huh? I'm not sure, but I think it's an appropriation of Lee Byron's Last.fm Wavegraphs or the LastGraph application Andy Godwin built off of it. To do it yourself, visit your Last.fm profile and hope you get the Epson ad (not the Beck's one). You can also visit the LastGraph website, although it will only give you a .PDF or .SVGZ of the graph, and the process for generating a wavegraph poster takes much longer and is more involved than just typing your user name in the Epson advertisement. Really, it's better for you (and for Last.fm) if you just keep hitting refresh on your Last.fm profile page until you get the Epson ad.

And if you want even more of an "Ooooooh... Neat-o" experience, visit the "Epsonality" (I cringed a little bit when I typed that) website. Jump through the hoops & move the sliders to choose a printer, then "meet your Epsonality". It's a shining example of one of the ways in which flash can and should be used to create an interactive site.

Uncle Hitler

2008-12-10T12:58:00.005-06:00

This is also Japan:

Ahhhh... Hello Project. The illogical extension of pop idol groups and creepy hyper sexualized marketing taken to its ludicrous zenith; A 40 year old fake-tanned, spikey-haired former "it" boy's harem of cute.

If you've never seen/known/watched anything about Hello! Project and it's main TV vehicle "Hello Morning," you are really missing out on some self-indulgent dirty-little-secret embarrassing pop culture gluttony.
Seriously. It's almost as good as Lindsay Lohan's Myspace Blog.

The basic concept is that there are several different "music" groups of marginally-talented but severely cute girls who range in age from about 7 to 24 (Once you get too old you "graduate" and go on to a mostly-fictional "solo" career). The girls are placed into singing/dancing groups (which are rearranged and re-matched in constant rotation) but the real focus is on the television shows, photo books, blogging, radio shows, merchandising. and sponsorships that turn these once human beings into consumer products for the cute-obsessed Japanese masses-- primarily the cute-obsessed 30-60 year old MALE Japanese masses.

I digress. This wasn't supposed to be an article about Hello! Project. so if you want to know more about it, you can visit the Official Website or the fan site Hello!Online.

The real focus of this article is about the following segment that aired on TV Tokyo as a part of their "Yorosen" program. The program features female pop idols acting like teachers and giving lessons about history to other female pop idols. Sounds fun!!!!!1one
Although not specifically a Hello! Project vehicle, some members of the group are present in the class, and this type of classroom roleplaying (complete with real-or-feigned intense stupidity on the part of the girls) is typical of the type of segments idol TV programs usually produce.

Although I must say, the inclusion of a mass-murdering sociopath is a novel twist.

TV Tokyo later issued an apology. According to the Asahi Shibun (Newspaper):

Referring to the Nazi dictator as “Hitler ojisan” (Uncle Hitler), the woman lauded Hitler’s speeches as having a “soothing effect.”

“The program’s content was based on a mistaken interpretation of history and was inappropriate,” the broadcaster said.

via Japan Probe

Buy This So I'll Know How Much You Love Me

2008-12-08T21:39:00.008-06:00

Did you know that it's impossible to get a replacement cord for an electric blanket? I know this because I have recently lost the cord to an electric blanket that's been passed down through the generations-- and by that I mean that I got it from my grandmother when she had her last stroke and lost all feeling in one leg, thereby putting her in one of the categories of humans for whom it is NOT safe to use an electric blanket, so says The Electric Blanket Institute. Did you process that? The Electric Blanket INSTITUTE. Please read the following paragraph of sage advice from their website:

Just as with any electrical appliance, things do occasionally go wrong with electric blankets or electric mattress pads. For example, a control may not work properly, a blanket may become bunched up which might cause an overheated condition or a heater wire might break. Therefore it is foolish to allow infants or small children to use these products. Likewise for the same reasons, anyone who is helpless, paralyzed, insensitive to heat, or who cannot understand the control’s operation should never be allowed to use these appliances. Some elderly people with one or more of these conditions sometimes insist on having their electric blanket. Be strong and refuse them. Show “tough love” or you may regret it.

I'll just let that percolate for a little bit while you rip that Sunbeam out of granny's frost-bitten fingers and ponder the impressive wordplay of the phrase, "Likewise for the same reasons." In the meantime, I'll also I explain what the hell the fakeity fake institute of fake fake has to do with the title of this post.

While searching for "electric blanket cord" in an apparently futile endeavor to find a replacement for my heirloom, I came across the "Reviews and Buying" section of The Electric Blanket Institute's website. According to The Electric Blanket Institute (I giggle a little bit every time I capitalize that as a proper noun) each year the "well-respected Hammacher Schlemmer Institute honors one electric blanket as the best." You had no idea, I know.
If your Roomba busted a gear cleaning up all the sadness you crapped when The Sharper Image went bankrupt, you need to relax and feel the warm soothing pulsations of this motorized aquarium alarm chair talking bank massager-- Hammacher Schlemmer is here to sell you some ridiculous overpriced crap.

Here, in no particular order, 8 of the most retarded (or awesome, depending on how you look at it) pieces of entertaining trash on their website. You should know that since their slogan is "Offering the Best, the Only, and the Unexpected for 160 years," they title everything in their catalog "The_____"... which can be just plain fucking irritating after reading through 8 pages of items entitled "The Plantar Fasciitis Therapy Night Brace" and "The Women's Genuine Turkish Cotton Nightshirt."

The Authentic Boardwalk Photobooth - $11,000

Back in the good ole days of '93, being 12 meant your idea of killing boredom was shelling out $4 for some out-of-focus pics with your friends, made in the photo booth next to the Wallgreens that had that little automatic metal cattle gate at the entrance. That mall now sits empty and deserted, or has been turned into medical offices, and the world's 14 year olds are too busy popping caps in their dads and sucking dick in the middle school janitor's closet to give a crap about a photo booth.

So maybe you're looking to recreate the nostalgia of the pre-90210 era (that would be the 90209 era for those of you who're bad at math). Or maybe you're trying to attract your own personal mid-western Amelie and just can't find any photobooths in which to make headshots you can scatter Johhny Appleseed-like all around Kansas City. If so, this photobooth would look just great in your Ruckus Room.

Under the "You May Need" section, don't forget to pick up an extra roll of film. For $500. At least the shipping and handling is only two grand.

Ahhh... fuck it. I'm already tired of writing this. If you want to see more of their ridiculous crap, I suggest you troll around their site and post your findings in the comments. Or stop wasting your time looking at things you're never gonna buy and go get everyone in your family a Wall-E DVD for Christmas.

The Preds just lost and I'm cranky.

Rice Digest :: Digest Rice

2008-12-02T16:32:00.008-06:00

Mind Your Manners

"Just in time for the Holiday party season, Tokyo Metro unveils it's Manner Poster for December."
-3Yen

I think the message here is "Please don't vomit on your shirt, then crowd into the last train of the night heading back to the suburbs and piss your pants while you're standing in front of me, crotch-to-eye-level (true story)."

Washed up? Get Soaked

Washed up American celebrities seem to find a lot of solace (and boat payments) in peddling alcohol for Japanese beverage companies.

For example, apparently Paul Anka is a very dour, serious man-- until he drinks his "go juice". A little bit of Super Nikka whiskey and you've got a happy, clappy "Super sunshine" fit on your hands. The message of this add? Nikka is great, as long as you have a life-partner around to make sure you don't choke on your own tongue.

Lee Van Cleef starring in "The Ridiculous Script of Nonsense" sponsored by Suntory Whiskey-- an amber-colored bottle of hell piss that'll knock the optic nerve right out yo eye ball socket you'll vomit so hard.

Gaijin Tonic

Shouldn't it be an "About 1/10 of a Kilogramer?"

I actually ate at McDonald's fairly regularly while I lived in Japan. It wasn't just because there was one close to my dorm-- the quality of the food really was better. There were more drinks, sandwich choices like an "Ebi Fillet" (like a shrimp po-boy with Big Mac's special sauce) and this one burger that came with a fried egg on it (don't knock it till you try it). The fries were ALWAYS hot & crispy and the buns were steamed to fresh, chewy perfection. There were a few things missing from the far east version that left me choked up, not by the chunks of beef nugget in my mouth, but with homesickness-- the Quarter-Pounder with cheese being the most egregious of these omissions.

That's all changing however, although I wonder if Japanizens know it. They've launched a "Quarter Pounder Secret" campaign, opening stores that have absolutely no branding and only two choices on the menu-- Quarter-Pounder with cheese and Double Quarter-Pounder with cheese.

So far the marketing ploy seems to be working.. mostly because Japanese people are suckers for marketing ploys.

-Inventorspot

Kirspy Kreme Holiday Combo

2008-12-02T11:56:00.001-06:00

I want to eat the shit out of these. Most adorable doughnuts EVER:

Poking Box

2008-11-26T16:08:00.003-06:00

Poking Box
Tuttuki Bako translated directly from Japanese means: Poking Box. As you are poking the box, your finger nudges the digital character. It reacts appropriately.

I wonder what technology this was adapted from? (bottom right)

Product Page

International Backlash to "Talk Like a Pirate Day": December 5th is "Day of the Ninja"

2008-11-25T10:40:00.005-06:00

Ninja lovers around the world will be celebrating the sixth annual Day of the Ninja this December 5. On this day, ninja fans of all ages are encouraged to dress up like ninja, act like ninja, and participate in ninja-related activities.
The Day of the Ninja was created in 2003 as a ninja counterpart to the popular International Talk Like a Pirate Day, celebrated every September 19.
"There is a popular Internet meme that establishes a rivalry between pirates and ninja," said Michael Fiegel, self-proclaimed ninja and the creator of the Day of the Ninja and Ninja Burger. "Pirates are loud, flashy, rude and crude, and ninja represent the extreme opposite: they are quiet, understated, polite and courteous. It only seems fair that each side should get their own holiday."
-December 5 is the Sixth Annual Day of the Ninja: Market Watch

See Also fulltimeninjas.com

Rice Digest :: Digest Rice

2008-11-25T09:48:00.015-06:00

This is Japan.

Hayao Miyazaki:

“I think nationalism stems from the belief that most of the troubles in the world are due to multi-ethnicity. We learned, or should have learned from the last war, that the town or country we love can turn into something bad in the world. That is a lesson we must not forget. I don’t create films where good and evil fight.”

-Animator Hayao Miyazaki Worries About Children's Future: Japan Today

Man Arrested After Scattering Hundreds of Worms on Commuter Train

"The man, who was arrested for obstructing business, told police officers that he did it because he wanted to see the surprised reactions of other passengers. At the time of his arrest, Mizuta had about 3,600 worms contained in small, photographic film cases in his bag, the police said.
The incident took place as the train was traveling on the Keihan line through the city of Neyagawa around 10:05 a.m.
The suspect, a resident of Hyogo Prefecture, is believed to have scattered about 200 mealworms, the larva of the darkling beetle, a feeder insect for birds. The railway car was cleaned immediately but the train was delayed by about three minutes, according to the police.
Why such a quick response? Apparently this wasn’t the first worm scattering incident on the Keihan line, so police were on the look out for worm-related activities." - Japan Probe

Okamoto's enormous mural "Myth of Tomorrow" restored & installed at Tokyo's Shibuya Station

The 30 meter long, 5 meter high mural depiciting the destruction and devastation following the explosion of the atomic bomb over Hiroshima in WWII was lost in Mexico for decades. Originally comisioned in 1967 by a Mexican property developer, it hung in the lobby of a luxury hotel until 1969 when the financially troubled owner was forced to sell the property AND the painting. The work then dropped off the radar until 2003 when it was rediscovered and returned to Japan at the request of Okamoto's widow. She died shortly before the piece completed the journey home.

The work is now installed as a permanent public display at Shibuya station, a part of Tokyo renowned for it's devotion to fashion fads and wild consumeristic abandon.
Even in this solipsistic part of town, the bold, arresting images are stopping busy commuters in their tracks. And when it comes to Tokyo's tired, zoned-out salary drones, that's no small task.
- Myth of Tomorrow in Shibuya: Nihon Sun

And Finally...

I dare you to figure out what this advertises

- Fucked Gaijin

Twitter's Database Maintenance Has Forced Me to Post Here

2008-11-18T11:48:00.005-06:00

T-shirts by Loiter

Online Predator

Ironic Slogan

Serious Chickens

Muffled Disdain

2008-10-30T17:50:00.003-05:00

I really HATE men who know how to wear a scarf. Don't know why, but a well-tied scarf on a man = INSTANT dislike.

I know ONE of the Swedes in this photo. (Hint: He's the one NOT swaddled in a big fluffy neck Twizzler)

I don't know the other two. Have never met them in my life. But that dick on the right is sooooooo on my shit list.

How to: Be a Humble, Grateful Christian

2008-10-30T14:27:00.005-05:00

At about 11:00am this morning, the cleaning lady for our building found a Blackberry in one of the toilets & turned it in to our lost & found (me). Standard practice when we find someone's phone is to look through the contacts for a "mom" or "dad" and call them to tell them where their kid can pick up their expensive electronic crap they probably didn't pay for and haphazardly left in the pooper.

So I dialed the number for "mom" and was greeted with a stirring rendition of "Our God is an Awesome God" as the ringback tone. Mom didn't pick up, but I got a lengthy voicemail greeting asking me to leave my name & number and extolling that "God loves [me]" and I should "Have a blessed day!"

After jamming nails in my wrists in what I can only assume was a fit of religious fervor brought on by her kind voice-mail extolences, I left a message saying that her daughter could pick her phone up from my office anytime until 6pm tonight, except from 1-2pm because that's when I take my lunch break.

I take lunch in my office sometimes. I'll shut the door with my spinach dip or leftover coldcuts party tray from some reception we've had earlier this week, or whatever the hell else I can scrounge up from the faculty lounge, and I'll watch episodes of The Daily Show or 30 Rock on Hulu.

When I do this, I stick a sign on the outside of the door that says "At Lunch. Please return in one hour" and lock it. Inevitably, there will be someone who chooses to ignore the sign and will knock on the door anyway. Then I either have to interrupt my lunch break to take care of whatever inane bullshit request they have that they're probably in the wrong place for anyway OR I can keep doing whatever I've been doing and act like I don't hear them knocking. Usually I opt to get up and do whatever needs doing so I can get rid of them and gnaw on my Keebler Clubhouse crackers in peace.

So of course, today, like clockwork, at 1:30, right in the middle of the ONLY hour I said not to come by, I get a knock on the door. Miss phone either can't read or just doesn't care. She needs her Blackberry Goddammit!!! I'm not without sympathy for someone who wants to get their phone back, so I grab the phone, answer the door, and hand it over to her. No big deal. There are the usual profuse thanks that come with returning someone's misplaced gadgets and I tell her not to worry about it. I say goodbye and shut the door.

But before I can continue watching Jon Stewart's story about his feigned rivalry with Mario Lopez, I overhear phone girl talking to someone on her phone right outside my door. She's obviously reporting to her mom that she got the phone back because I hear her say, "...I don't know why you told me not to go from 1-2, she was in there.... I just wish someone would have kept their grubby little hands off it for 10 minutes. I mean, I'm glad they turned it in and all, but I don't think that's what they were planning to do. That's not what they had in mind." Because most thieves know that prowling the shitters in Peck Hall on the off chance someone will leave their phone behind is the most lucrative form of thievery.

Dumb bitch. You're the one who left your expensive ass phone in the toilet! Someone was nice enough to turn it in for you and you got it back less than 2 hours after you lost it. But all you can do is verbally and figuratively shit all over everyone who helped you get your crap back.
I should have called that "<3Justin" that was in your phonebook and delivered your STD test results from the planned parenthood lab.

Qualifications

2008-10-22T09:29:00.002-05:00

by Derek Chatwood.

larger one here.

The Need to Get Off on Tangents

2008-10-08T12:18:00.004-05:00

I can't seem to commit to writing well-thought-out full blog pieces, journal pieces, or any other pieces of a decent length. I've become addicted to Twitter and the 5-second release of creative juices it allows. I no longer feel the need to couch a pithy phrase or astute observation in the cushions of an entire, legitimate article of writing-- I can just splurt a single sentence out in 140 characters or less all over the face of the internet and get the release (and sometimes the validation) I crave.

This is ruining my writing skills.

It used to be that when I'd think of something particularly clever or insightful, I'd write it down in my journal or a notebook, so I could hang on to it and use it later in a piece of writing. These little nuggets of what I thought were snarky brilliance gave me a supply of clever thought to draw upon for writing and sometimes conversation. Now however, as soon as I think of anything even remotely clever, I can't wait to blow my wad all over Twitter. And once a phrase, statement, or idea is out there, it's out there. Even without the megalomaniacal delusion that anyone actually reads my Tweets, as soon as an idea leaves my mind and goes out there into the (not-so) real world, I stop mulling on it, editing it, or keeping it handy on the tip of my brain for later use.
I'd feel like a turd re-using a clever tweet in a later blog post, or in conversation, so those tidbits are just gone... used up.

All this has led me to the idea that Twitter is an electronic form of creativity-masturbation. You can get your rocks off quickly, but the process is devoid of a great deal of effort and ultimately, much less satisfying than the real thing.

I know that many of you would say that Twitter is no substitute for proper blogging or proper writing-- and you're absolutely right. It's just that the obscene amount of knee-jerk self-gratification in which I wallow on Twitter seems to be robbing me of the inclination and creative reserves necessary to write anything substantial.

Pictured above: The Doo doo Doodler

Para-Pootietang Prestidigitations OR Anti Fly Magic

2008-09-26T15:50:00.004-05:00

Last month, David and I visited A's Snow White Drive-In in Lebanon, Tennessee on the way back from a camping trip. The review of the restaurant's vittles was less than enthusiastic. Aside from the myriad ice cream flavors and the disheveled-looking help behind the counter though, one thing caught my eye.

Outside the entrances, both front and back, were Ziploc bags filled with water and pennies, hanging from the rafters. We wondered if they were makeshift drip-catchers, crazy redneck humidifiers, or some sort of sadistic game designed to taunt poor children with both money and wasted drinking water.

We didn't bother to ask anyone inside. I think somehow we knew that the answer would be something ridiculous, embarrassing, or awkward for either our hosts, or ourselves, or more than likely, all parties involved.
So, I took a picture of the apparatus and posted it on Flickr with the title "What is the Point of This?" and I finally got a response, from someone I know, no less.

Apparently, the water-filled plastic baggie is supposed to repel house flies.
To which David queried, "...how? Do pennies IN water IN a ziploc bag create anti-fly magic?"

And you know, I have looked all over the internet, and the answer is: Yes. Putting pennies in bags of water makes anti-fly magic. At least that's what people believe.

Some say it's the reflection that does it. Others postulate that it's some sort of chemical reaction to which flies have an aversion. But no one's really sure.
Hell, no one's even really sure whether or not it works. As with most research done on the internet, the only thing I seem to have confirmed is that people are mostly stupid.

Regardless of whether or not Ziploc baggies can be used as homemade fly repellents, one thing about them remains certain: they will still turn your tasty sandwich into a soggy, humid pile of mess.
Oh, and the placement of the pennies in the bag of water seems to have a legitimate explanation anyway, as I found in this comment on a "Thrifty Home Remedies" blog:

"... adding a penny in the bag acts as a bacteriacide to preserve the water longer. When Columbus came across the ocean he added a couple of silver coins to each barrel of drinking water to kill the bacteria, same principle..."

And here I was, thinking ole Chris was plastered on Beer & Wine the whole time.

IRL: Fail

2008-09-26T13:21:00.007-05:00

This abstract for an upcoming dissertation defense came through the email today. I predict / hope that it fails. If it's really that easy to get a doctorate, then I should be the Surgeon General of English.

Abstract
Everyone’s a Kool-Aid Man Today:
Pedagogical Implications of Teaching First-Year Composition in Second Life

Second Life (SL), a massively multi-user virtual environment (MMUVE), is being called the metaverse, a parallel universe, and a world not unlike our own. This makes SL the perfect environment for first-year composition students; pursuing a second life offers students “analogies and metaphors for real-world issues [and] can provide a way for students to discuss issues in a safe environment, where there are no real-world consequences” (Williams, Hendricks, and Winkler 11). This concept also supports Pratt’s theory of a contact zone where students can grapple with conflicting ideas; however, these contact zones are rarely “safe” environments because students’ preconceived ideas are challenged and emotions can explode in such circumstances. In SL students experience issues that we often ask them to write about, such as identity or otherness, but of which they have little knowledge.

This ethnographic research investigates the world of SL and its uses in first-year composition. It seeks to answer the questions:
• Will using SL change student writing?
• Will my students come to understand SL as a culture different from their own?
• Will they embrace this new medium and form an online identity?
• How will they react to such learning?

I investigated whether or not student experiences in SL would in any way change their writing. What I found was that SL can be an exciting and volatile experience for educators who choose to use it. Students became engaged with their writing and began making connections between their own lives and the topics we pursued. The theme for the class was otherness, which included issues of identity in both RL and SL. Students made connections as they experienced things in SL that were not possible in RL, such as becoming an oversized Kool-Aid man and then having to socialize with complete strangers as this other (Freire, Giroux, and hooks).

As students began to understand the connections between SL and RL, many commented that SL gave them thought-provoking topics about which to write. The students’ responses to SL, both negative and positive, were evident in their writings, including low-risk/pre-writing assignments such as blogs, journals, and quick writes (Bean, Fulwiler, and Murray) and more traditional essays. SL gives teachers a missing tool for helping student writing: experience.

How To: Run for Vice President

2008-09-16T16:25:00.005-05:00

The rampant Gliberal in me is having a field day.

Rifle Panzer Palin here! Pleased to Meet you!

2008-09-16T15:12:00.003-05:00

I can't and won't get into all the reasons why McCain's choice of a running mate makes me exceedingly angry. I'm in the middle of a 3 o'clock stupor, and I'm just not willing to try that hard. And that post deserves proper attention and effort.

Instead, I give you The Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator courtesy of Polit tsk tsk tsk.
Now you too can sport a moniker as fittingly all American and easy to write on lattes as Track, Trig, or Bristol.

That's right. She named her fucking child Track

Thanks @christyfrink!

They Appear Affable Right Now

2008-09-09T16:54:00.005-05:00

You Look Nice Today desktop.

thanks nevenmrgan!

Let's Dress Like Protons and Slam Dance

2008-09-09T15:53:00.001-05:00

Has the LHC destroyed the earth.com

thanks cwage!

It Goes the Other Way Too.

2008-09-05T13:09:00.009-05:00

For a few years now, I've been debating about whether or not to get a tattoo. The reasons holding me back were:

I couldn't think of anything really meaningful to get tattooed on me; something that wouldn't make me feel like a turd for having arbitrarily chosen a "pretty" design.
Everyone I know has a tattoo. Everyone. Well, at least 95%. So, in an ironic way, not having a tattoo makes me unique.
I've seen some pretty horrible botched jobs and pitied the person who was stuck with that, forever on their body
Anything that looks good now would probably make me feel trashy and weird when I'm 60.

But like a shipping container full of Vietnamese whores left to rot on the docks of a Baltimore shipyard, those objections have slowly been overcome, one by one.

I've finally thought of something both beautiful and personally meaningful that I would be proud to show off and wouldn't mind having on my body for the remainder of my shoulder-bearing, if not child-bearing, years.
I've gradually lost my disgust for fashion hegemony. Sorority girls always steal my fashion ideas anyway. Which, when you think about it, does not speak too highly of my fashion choices. So I shouldn't be too attached to those and shouldn't worry too much about trying to be the only human born after 1980 who does not have at least one tattoo.
Also, Nashville's tattooing community has really come up in quality in the last few years. I'm no longer frightened that I'll end up with a three year old's finger painting on my back.

And finally, as for the whole "This shit will look stupid when I'm ninety" argument, I realized today that I'm probably not going to make it past 30.

So come share in my neuroses as I tally off the top 10 reasons why I'm pretty sure I might be dying.

I'm no longer capable of sleeping through the night without getting up to pee at least once, sometimes twice. And I cheer for good bowel movements.
I think everyone's pants are too tight and young people these days don't have enough respect for their elders.
When I lean on my left elbow, my thumb goes numb.
I ENJOY cabbage, both pickled and stewed.
I have a weird bump on the inside of my elbow. It's pink and inflated with a little dot in the middle like a tiny elfin nipple. I never worried about it too much, but now it seems to have spawned a partner tiny elfin nipple.
Sometimes I forget how old I am and have to do the math.
Elastic waistbands sound like a good idea.
When I sit still for a long time with my legs crossed, the force of my pulse rocks me back and forth. When I was in Japan, I sometimes mistakenly thought we were having an earthquake when really, it was just my high blood pressure.
Hot tamales give me horrible gas. Not the Mexican food, the cinnamon movie theater candy.

Ergot: I should go on and get a tattoo because I'm dying. But it goes the other way too. There are some people who, in a just and righteous world, should probably die based on the tattoos they've gotten.

Google Woes; Bill's Churros

2008-09-05T09:28:00.016-05:00

I've swapped over to Netvibes. I just couldn't handle the new iGoogle anymore. Google is "rolling out" a new version of their ridiculously popular iGoogle homepage. Those of us who received the gift of this freshly laid turd had no choice in the matter. It was foisted upon is with no warning. I simply woke up one morning to find I was allergic to sex, Celine Dione is presdient, and iGoogle was no longer functional. In short, the world was a much shittier place.

Aside from my dream of one day wallowing naked in the cool whip on top of a giant cake and fruit parfait, it is my greatest hope that Google will abort this new version in it's infancy and none of the rest of you will ever have to coddle it, spank it, or ignore its plaintive cries for attention as you move on to more attractive playthings.

In the world to come, the Gmail module is fucked up (links are unclickable, no reply button) and the layout is hackneyed (old folder-tree ish heirarchy, no tabs). Click on the screen cap above to view the new layout in all its decrepitude.
But perhaps the most galling thing of all is that you can no longer drag widgets to different tabs to organize them. If a module gets added to the wrong tab, it just STAYS THERE. There's no way to change it-- not by dragging it, not under the settings for each module-- nothing, nowhere nada.
The only way to add a module to the right place is to go into that particular section ON YOUR GOOGLE HOMEPAGE, click add content, and then put in the rss feed manually or search for it from there. You can't just click "subscribe to rss" if you are reading a website and decide you want to keep up with it because god knows what section (or whatever they're calling it) the feed will be placed in on your homepage.

And all of this Malfunctionality just so they can put rounded corners on the widgets and automatically fill users' tabs with suggested content? As many the owner of a Ford Taurus can tell you, a rounded corner does not a good design maketh.

It pains me to think that just yesterday I learned from NPR, on the anniversary of Google's incorporation, that Google's motto is "Don't be evil."
Harumph.

On the brighter side, thanks to the suggestions of Lifehacker and @Yearginsim, I'm taking a look at Netvibes, and they seem to have some pretty interesting functionality. The site looks a little bit... clunky. But I haven't yet really taken the time to play around with the aesthetics. I'm sure I can shock it up with my notorious penchant for bright colors and nauseating patterns. In the mean time, their widgets seem to be much more customizable and easy to manipulate.

AND they automatically titled my new homepage "Eat the Flag! EAT it!".
David Cross reference for the win. It seems like me and Netvibes were meant to be.

Finally, today's "What the fuck is this bullshit?" technology-related ranting is not consigned to the new iGoogle homepage alone. Did anyone catch those odd odd ODD Microsoft commercials last night? I saw one during the last quarter of the Vandy game on ESPN, but I imagine they were rolled out for the RNC, not Bobby Johnson and the 'Dores (as much as we'd like to imagine that a Vandy football game could garner enough attention to warrant unveiling a new multi-million dollar Microsoft advertising campaign). I kind of hate to even mention it. Because that's what's known as "Creating a buzz" in the advertising business. Or at least that's what my depression era knowledge of advertising lingo leads me to believe. But it must be discussed or I will get rhetorically constipated.

The commerical had Jerry Seinfield in it, eating churros and trying on savagely unstylish mens' shoes with Bill Gates in a circus-themed shoe store. I kept waiting for the punchline, or the reveal. I really thought that when Bill went to pay for his shoes he was going to whip out a Visa and, surprise! You'd been watching some kind of wacky Visa commercial all along.
But no. No reveal, no punchline, no point ever came. It wasn't even particularly clever in that "Oddvertisement" sort of way that companies think is the bees kness, the cats pajamas, if you will, kid. Whadda ya know, Joe?

It only left me wondering why Microsoft isn't allotting me forty large every day to bury, poop on, burn, give to hippies, or otherwise waste on completely futile endeavors. If they have the money to throw away on this shit, why not give it to me to do with as I please? At least the video of my escapades would be far more entertaining, and would only leave viewers bewildered in that "What is wrong with all of humanity" existential sort of way, not the Assberger-ish confusion of implying that future computers will be edible and made out of delicious cake.
I did not make that up. That was actually in the commercial.

Sex Addiction: The Go-to Excuse for Famous Philandering Dickheads

2008-08-29T08:22:00.010-05:00

David Duchovny is entering a treatment facility for sex addiction.
The former X-files star and current golden-globe winning best comic actor for the tv series Californication (which I have never seen and never even heard of until I read the article about his precocious cock) entered a facility Thursday, and is asking for, "respect and privacy for my wife and children as we deal with this situation as a family."

I'm sure sex addiction really exists. And it's probably a difficult problem that fucks your life up pretty thoroughly. I imagine it's hard to keep any sort of relationship, friendship, or career going if you're indiscriminately fucking anything that moves.
But you'll have to color me skeptical on this one. In the past ten years or so, it seems like EVERY celebrity that cheats on his wife blames it on "sex addiction". I guess they don't realize that sex addiction is a lot different from just wanting to fuck everything that points its genitals in your general direction-- that's called "having a penis". Most guys with penises realize that you have to restrain that tiny monster if you're going to maintain lasting relationships with the people you care about. Male celebrities choose to ignore this social norm because, well, they're male celebrities-- a rare breed whose stupidity is only eclipsed by the size of their massive hubris. But they need to know that choosing to ignore your conscience and fuck whatever's wet and nearby just because you are famous and you want to doesn't make you a sex addict-- it just makes you a jerk.

That's the way it's been, since Alexander the Great-- probably the first male celebrity-- roamed the Euro-Asian continent conquering, pillaging, amassing, and copiously dipping his quill in many a Macedonian ink pot. He surely got way more than his fair share of that bushy, ancient Greek pussy. Yum yum.
And he was entitled to it, because back then, women sucked. They put up with that shit because they didn't have a choice. Let your husband run around on you, or you get killed and replaced.

And run around they did. There is a mathematical formula explaining the relationship between how much and how often a man fucks to the size of his ego, his military, or his wallet. The degree and frequency of fornication is exponentially proportional to the amounts of power, fame, and money he has amassed.

In ancient times, more money, power, and fame equaled more pussy because it meant you could afford to buy more wives or slaves (oh wait, they're the same thing), or conquer more neighboring kingdoms (and get more wife-slaves), or be famouser and get more wives or slaves as gifts from the devoted fans of your talented painting, sculpting, or mud farming.
NOW, increased power, money, or fame leads to more pussy because... well, women still suck. Not all women, mind you (just like not all men will cheat on their wives if given the chance) but a significant enough proportion of them to make me a dedicated misanthropist.

In spite of all my hope for the world, and Barack Obama's halcyon promises of reformatory change, there are still billions of women out there who think that sleeping with a man will make him like you.

Idiots. Anal sex is not a friendship bracelet.

But this nasty cycle will continue on down the years in perpetuity because there are also billions of men whom, if given the chance, would love nothing more than to accommodate those delusional broads by diddling their dingles in their doodle holes.

Maybe David Duchovny really does have a problem with sex addiction. If that's the case, then I really do feel (somewhat) bad for him. As psychological disorders go, I'd rather be a sex addict than a schizophrenic or a sociopath, but it's still got to be difficult to deal with it.

But... I mean... the guy married Tea Leoni. And his last name is suspiciously close to the word "Douche". So, I'm just gonna have to drop the gavel on this one and rule it "Horny asshole-i-tude." Throw him in a cell with all the other sex addiction perjurers. He and Usher can give each other homemade prison tats while Kobe Bryant and Charlie Sheen build tiny log cabins out of Lucky Strikes. Maybe he'll collaborate with Robbie Williams and they'll put out a shitty shitty album together. After parole, he and Michael Douglas (yes, that Michel Douglas.. Ewww) can go on a tour speaking at community colleges all over Arkansas, spreading the word that sex addiction is no longer a valid defense against the crime of being a dick bag.

Just like not all murderers can get away with killing someone because they claim insanity, not all philanderers can get way with indiscriminate fucking because they cry satryiasis. Regardless of whether the charge is murder or just ADHD genitalia, bullshit is still bullshit. And you can't get away with doing whatever you want by labeling it as a psychological disorder after the fact.

So I hereby implore all male celebrities (Kanye West),juvenile hangers-on (Kevin Federline), and male pseudo-celebrities (Lindsay Lohan) to stop using the Sexual Addiction defense, when it's really just a case of you being an asshole. The prison of America's cultural wasteland is already overcrowded, and there's no more room for us to facilitate your "rehabilitation" you when you so obviously perjure yourselves in the court of "who gives a fuck".

That cell-block is full.

Preparing Them for The Real World

2008-08-22T10:39:00.006-05:00

I know some college students who could stand to use that. I love you Onion.

thanks jessticles!

Shit That Came Out of the Midwest in the 1980's

2008-08-21T08:48:00.023-05:00

Last night I was talking to David-- my only (and significant) other-- and relating the fact that I will be playing beach volleyball at Hooters every Thursday night from now until perdition--which shouldn't be OVERLY long. I consider Hooters to be a cultural signpost on the highway to the apocalypse. Next exit, 40 miles: Stucky's.

Well, we started wondering about whether or not creepy old doods would be ogling me while I play. Personally, I think they'll be far too busy leering at the waitresses, who (unlike me) pay attention to them and pretend to be nice so they can soak em for a big fat tip.
This inevitably led to a discussion about the questionable sartorial sense of Hooters' waitresses' "uniforms". I think we can all agree that the orange rayon shorts, shiny flesh-colored 'Minelli' tights, and white sneakers combo is more than a little trashy. Unless you are the kind of guy who regularly uses phrases like "I'm gonna demolish that crotch" the getup is just plain physically unappealing. I postulated that the founders of Hooters consciously made these horrible wardrobe decisions so that the wives/girlfriends/secretaries of the men who frequent Hooters could have a little catty nugget of bitchidence to chew on: the fact that, sometimes thanks only to the outfit, the waitresses don't really look hot, just kind of nasty.

But David pointed out that the franchise was started in the 80s, and at that time, the beer & wing-serving aerobics instructor look may have been the height of fashionable sex appeal.
I erroneously thought that Hooters MUST have come from the Midwest. I'm not sure why. I guess I just assume that everything embarrassing that's made of synthetic fabrics comes from there. So I began wondering what other horrible 80s engendered legacies America's Bread Basket has foisted on the rest of the civilized, breathable-fabric wearing world.
It turns out that Hooters was actually started in Clearwater, Florida. But I was still curious about what plagues came out of the Great Plains during that decade. Turns out, not too much happened in that part of the country in the 1980s.
Just like today.

Papa John's Pizza: Indiana, 1984

As a high school student working at a local pizza pub in Jeffersonville, Indiana, Papa John's founder John Schnatter realized that there was something missing from national pizza chains: a superior-quality traditional pizza delivered to the customer's door. His dream was to one day open a pizza restaurant that would fill that void.

Papa wants to fill your void... with mooshy crust, undercooked toppings, and copious amounts of bowel-wrenching gas. Or as one E-pinions reviewer calls it, "Pizza for Kentucky and Indiana...Garlic dipping sauce? lol!"

Rollerblades: Minnesota, 1980

Minnesota students Scott and Brennan Olson were looking for a way to practice hockey during the off-season. What they came up with is a way to instantly make any heterosexual male look fruitier than a skittles enema. You 'blade to those Chelsea piers, Gabriel! Don't let the terrorists win!

This Guy: Ohio, 1988

Thank you Myspace. Without your pile of code, I would never have me the author of "drunk stories lol" and inventor of such verbal gems as the phrase "ER1"... as in "ER1 in the club gettin' tipsy".

He's been "keepin' it real nigga" ever since he was a lower case G. (I swear to god this is a real baby picture from his site.) And people say that shit is a "choice"!

Great Plains: Minnesota(??)- 1987

I wasn't listening to pop country in the 80's. God help the wretched souls who were. Can't come up with a video concept for your mediocre country tripe? SOLUTION: Nearly-continuous 360 panning!! Confuse and nauseate the viewers until they're no longer sure whether they're watching a music video or endoscopic footage of a colonoscopy.

Watch

How to: Keep Your Smokes Dry in a Downpour

2008-08-21T08:39:00.004-05:00

Via Modern Mechanix

thanks blogjunkies!

Gettin Freaky with the Furniture

2008-08-19T09:52:00.004-05:00

1,550 wooden chairs, piled building-high, set flush with the facades of surrounding buildings. Doris Salcedo at the Alexander and Bonin gallery.

Thanks! Licentious

Geeking Out About Geeking Out

2008-08-15T15:39:00.004-05:00

David and Ben are in Vegas right now for a vacation, which just happens to cooincide with New Media Expo.

We're big fans of Twit, so we were excited about the fact that Leo is doing a TwitLive from the floor of NME.

Intense waves of geekgasm joy ensued with me watching Twitlive from Twit.tv, and taking screen caps of David & Ben in the crowd while THEY take pictures of my chats as they show up on a screen that is being shown to the audience. And texting each other all the while.

(click for larger version)

And I'm about to post this blog, which they will be able to read on their iPhones/iPods. I am so fucking happy right now, and for no good reason!

Yay New Media!!

Further Proof...

2008-08-15T11:33:00.004-05:00

... that Sex & Engineering are mutually exclusive endeavors:

thanks jessticles!

Most Ironic Name for a Goat Farmer

2008-08-15T11:13:00.003-05:00

From The Smoking Gun:

more...

thanks newscoma

Smell my Genes

2008-08-13T09:40:00.009-05:00

I can smell your sexy.

Apparently odor plays a HUGE part in how human beings choose a "mate". Both how you perceive smell and what you smell like are affected by your genetic makeup. But birth control pills are threatening the future of the human race by affecting womens' ability to smell out men who are genetically different from them.

According to a recent study researching the affects of birth control on perceptions of sexual attractiveness :

"The results showed that the preferences of women who began using the contraceptive pill shifted towards men with genetically similar odors," said UL evolutionary psychologist Craig Roberts. "Not only could [this] similarity in couples lead to fertility problems, but it could ultimately lead to the breakdown of relationships when women stop using the contraceptive pill, as odor perception plays a significant role in maintaining attraction to partners."

The idea that I'm smelling out my men makes me a little uncomfortable. The idea that AXE commercials may be scientifically valid makes me cringe. But the idea that taking birth control affects who I am attracted to just downright freaks me the fuck out. And do different brands make you attracted to different types? Yaz makes you want a hairy, muscular misogynist while Ovcon pushes you towards sensitive, artistic jerks?

We all know that hormones can affect our thinking. Anyone who's ever cried at a WGN family drama starring Billy Ray Cyrus then realized that it's the day before her period can attest to that. Personally, my PMS tends to manifest itself in the form of sudden existential crises, skin-deep arm-chair philosophy, and trying to sound profound on Twitter.

But no one wants science to force them to acknowledge how deeply hormones can effect such basic decision-making processes as choosing a lover-- something that we would normally consider a fundamental part of our basic identities.

I guess the only thing to do is to either NEVER take birth control, or else to pick one brand and stick with it for as long as you want your marriage to last.

How To: Look Like A Reputable Dentist (& Get Lotsa Customers Without Hardly Trying)

2008-08-07T15:36:00.006-05:00

Advice taken from my personal experiences with Heavenly Images Dental Center in Berry Hill (They were supposed to become my new dentist today).

1

Appearance is Everything!
Create what real estate professionals call "curb appeal" by painting the exterior of your one-story brick bungalow a nauseating shade of pepto-pink. Instead of actual landscaping, opt for plastic flowers stolen from the nearby Woodlawn cemetary and unceremoniously stuck in the ground funerary-style. Be sure the outside of your door looks like it's been kicked in a few times when you forgot your key, and has a plastic dollartree sign hanging on it announcing (in Spanish) that even though it is 3:00 in the afternoon and someone has an appointment, you are closed and will return at 8:00 in the morning.

2

You Can't Eat Atmosphere!
Make the hole in the yellowed-with-age bulletproof-style glass separating your receptionist from the waiting room incredibly small and at chest level, thereby ensuring that anyone but Estelle Getty will have to stoop awkwardly like a pack mule to either talk to you or hear what you're saying. Also, play smooth, smooth jazz at ridiculous volumes over your satelite radio-- loud enough to almost, but not quite, drown out the angry midday judge television program turned up way too high on the waiting room tv. Have NO magazines whatsoever. Only brochures about gum disease.

3

The Devil is in the Details!
Be scrupulous with your Paperwork! Be sure to request your first-time patients' "Martial" status, because it is important to know whether or not their teeth have seen active combat. Be sure to ask for their insurance & address information in three different places, but make the spaces in all of them far too small for anyone but Emperor Ully Gue to write in properly. Use copious amounts of semicolons; and use them improperly.

4

Maximize Your Profit-Making Potential!:
Partner your dental practice with the Amway-style peddling of unrelated products that have not been ADA (or even FDA) approved. On your first time patient paperwork, be sure to make your prospective DENTAL patients check 'Yes' or 'No' boxes on pushy, telelmarkety, junk mail style questions like:

"Did you know that factors like diet, lifestyle, physical activity and nutritional supplements could minimize possible negative metabolic effects?"

"Would you benefit in receiving a lifestyle program and dietary supplement?"

At this point, they should no longer be certain whether they are about to receive a dental exam or a free sample of NONI juice.

Then, when you've really got 'em hooked, present them with a giant blockquote statement they are required to inital, informing them that:

"I will recommend you use, as part of my treatment program, one or more nutritional supplements. I recommend this supplement or these suppplements because I believe your health will benefit from your use of them. I want you to know that, because of my belief in the integrity and effectiveness of these supplements, that I am a distributor of these products and, in that role; I may receive commission from your purchase of these supplements. Please ask to speak with me if you have any concerns about my recommendation in light of this information."

5

Fuck 'em hard- they'll enjoy it more, the ignorant little sluts!
Charge a mandatory $30.00, non-insurance covered "Oral Hygiene Instruction" Fee with every visit. Because anyone who would actually choose you as their dentist has been anally raped in their frontal lobe and needs to be told how to brush their fucking teeth for $30.00 with each visit.

And finally, Bar the door. That way, if the sheer force of your nasty atitude doesn't keep them in the office when they express their reservations about some of the items in your paperwork, the electrified STEEL will.

Ever Since I Was A Lower-Case 'G'

2008-08-07T09:43:00.003-05:00

"Blog" gang sign.

Start practicing NOW so you can throw one up all nonchalant-like at New Media Expo.

thanks jvance

Proof

2008-08-05T14:50:00.001-05:00

That a little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing:

From Now On, I'm Going to Start Off Every Morning With One of These

2008-08-05T09:34:00.004-05:00

Not sure, but I think you can see a guy fishsticking in the middle of the screen @ 0:22.

Schmath Graph: Places/Ways People Take "It"

2008-08-04T14:58:00.004-05:00

As some of you already know, I have a personal problem with the phrase "Take it to the next level". If you're actually using that phrase, chances are you're not taking anything anywhere. Cuz you're a douche. And douches don't have legs; just wobbly necks they stick in people's vaginas.

-------------------------------------
What didn't make the cut:
-Up a Notch
-To the Bank
-With a Grain of Salt
-For a Spin
-From the Top
-Personally
-Seriously
-In the Ass
-Like a Little Bitch (thanks Jessticles)
-Back
-We're Not Gonna, No We Aint Gonna

I already posted this on Flickr, but forgot to do it here. Sometimes Twitter makes me forget to actually blog.

How To: Be Marginally Famous

2008-08-04T12:01:00.005-05:00

A lesson in exploiting your niche: "2007 US Air Guitar Champion" William Ocean

Crushing the beer can with the back flip was a nice touch, I must say.

The finals for the 2008 US Air Guitar Championship will be held August 8th in Frisco (which is a short, douchey way of saying San Francisco for those of you not in the know).

But honestly, I'm thinking the finals might be a bit anticlimactic. The regional finalist from Brooklyn, Bettie B. Goode, actually lost a toe during her winning performance. How do you top that?

Do You Know What Time It Is? Most of America Couldn't Tell you...

2008-07-24T13:43:00.003-05:00

For this product, describing the awesomeness is as simple as posting it's picture:

Pop Quiz Clock by Decor Craft Incorporated.

thanks boingboing

Rage Against the Porcine

2008-07-23T15:57:00.005-05:00

I have a problem with 90% of the "average American women" over 30 that I encounter on a daily basis. 90% of them.
I see them everywhere. They make me regret owning, or at least renting, a uterus. As men grow older they become distinguished, kooky, funny, laughable, eccentric, pervy, or at the very least, comfortable. As women grow older they become... lame.

My ire was roused today partly by the legions of overprotective mothers shepherding incoming freshmen around campus for today's orientation, and partly by my personal frustration that openly carrying around the July issue of GQ magazine makes me feel a little awkward because it has a hot, pantiless, knee high sport sock wearing Gisele Bundchen on the cover.

I'm not worried about how men will look at that cover. I don't care if they do. It also does not personally embarrass me to carry around a photo of a hot chick showing some serious side nudity.

What I worry about is the reponse I get if some of the "let's share a bloomin' onion and some margaritas after work cuz we're sassy" office lady crowd happen to see it. Most of the time I keep the magazine tucked inside my breifcase. And when I pull it out to read it on breaks, I quickly flip it open to the article I want to read and lay it cover-down on the table in an effort to avoid, "I don't think that's appropriate for work" statements or comments about how showing a hot, half-naked body objectifies women.

You wanna know what objectifies women? THE BIBLE fucking objectifies women. Have you ever actually read that thing?? But they sure as hell wouldn't criticize people for carrying that around.

I pulled the magazine out today to read it on my lunch break while sitting next to a table that looked like a Dress Barn and bacon salad had exploded all over it and someone forgot to wipe it up. The table was full of women who were spending their lunchtime losing bone density while talking about how they're not gonna retire "but it's just nice to know they have that option if they feel like it". When I laid the magazine on the table I got looks of consternation from two of the bitch hogs. Thankfully, I was sitting too close for them to start talking about how GQ magazine will corrupt their children OR discussing their doubts about my dubious sexual orientation.

I was already feeling a bit itchy in my feminine place from observing the Wooly MOMoths grazing around campus today, so those sideways glances really pissed me off.

I'm not afraid, ashamed, or angry when I look at a semi-nude chick. I either think, "Hey, she's hot. I like her hair," "I bet she's dumb as a pile of gut chutney," or else, "Wow. Nasty but'er face."
So if I'm not bothered by it, why is anyone else?

Honestly, if you have a serious problem with Gisele Bundchen naked from the waist down & humping a pillow on the cover of a (well-written, poignant, interesting) men's periodical, it's because YOU'RE fat and ugly... On the inside if not on the outside as well. You're bitter and plain and your hair is cut like a man. You wear novelty earrings and sweaters with sparkly shit on it. Your spider venis read like a map of the New Jersey Turnpike. I hate you.

So why don't you go hop on a figurative exercycle and burn those dangly bags of blubber off the kankles and knegs of your slovenly pretend-feminist soul before you cast dispersions on my reading selections?

Have you ever read GQ? Do you know how brilliant "The Fecal Position" article by Shalom Auslander that's in this month's issue is?
Of course you dont!! You're too busy reading US magazine articles about Jamie Lynn Spear's breastfeeding techniques and cluck-clucking your fat, bloated, tongue about how she's a terrible rolemodel for your children-- as if the rip in the condom or antibiotics interferring with birth control or brilliant Spears family child-rearing tactics that lead to her getting knocked up will infect your own idiotic spawn, brainwashing them into thinking teen motherhood sounds like a goddamn brilliant idea.

You spread criticism and blame faster than that highly contagious monkey from the movie Outbreak spread a mutation of the ebola virus. You spread it far and wide because sex is a perfunctory duty you endure for your husband because the bible tells you to and criticizing things smart people don't give a fuck about is the only thing that makes you feel good anymore.
Jamie Lynn's parents are to blame. It's the public school system. Or maybe it's that nebulous, inchoate, universally evil scape goat of all scape goats, "THE MEDIA"-- the unhappy punching bag of Access Hollywood-educated, arm chair pundits everywhere who are too lazy to research and identify the real source of any problem.

You act like you'd be happy if Jamie Lynn Spears had never become a pseudo-celebrity and that it's mildly tragic that she had a kid at the age of 16 ("Bless her heart").
But don't think for one second that I don't realize that you LOVE EVERY FUCKING MINUTE OF IT.
You get a real kick out of regurgitating the hackneyed morals of your power-walking herd. You treasure any female celebrity's bad behavior as a savory nugget of validating self-righteousness; fuel for your deliciously delusional denial that some 16 year old girl's life is NOT in fact fantastically superior to your own. Because although she was on TV, is moderately famous, and has probably already made more money than you will make in your entire lifetime, she got baby-filled at 16-- which (let's be honest here ladies) is probably only two years younger than you were when you squirted your first blob of humanity out of that dank, flesh-colored sharpei you call a vagina.

I don't EVER want to be a part of your crowd. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I never want to own more beige underwear than colored. I will never shop at Fashion Bug or buy clothes from Cracker Barrel. And although I do enjoy the occasional novelty earring, I never, ever want to become so bitter at my failure of a life that the sight of a hot chick's naked body incites me to vomit venom and bile at the nearest thing with boobs under 40.

So, what I want to know is, can I exchange my uterus for an iPhone?

HTML tattoo

2008-07-23T14:20:00.000-05:00

Now that's dedication to geeky word puns:

thanks Geeokologie

Two things sluts spread: their legs & rumors

2008-07-23T09:33:00.005-05:00

Gizmodo recently blogged about a rumor that's been floating around the inter-ether for a few days now. A rumor that would make gadget geeks everywhere cream their skinny jeans with joy and bite their life-sized pedo anime girl body pillows in anticipation if it's true. And that would be the rumor of a MacBook Touch as early as October of this year.

The rumor describes the general functionality of the hypothetical Macbook using poor grammar and lots of speculation:

Think MacBook screen, possibly a bit smaller, in glass with iPhone-like, but fuller-featured multi-touch. Gesture library. Full Mac OS X. This is why they bought P.A. Semi. Possibly with Immersion's haptic tech. Slot-loading SuperDrive. Accelerometer. GPS. Pretty expensive to produce initially, but sold at "low" price that will reduce margins. Apple wants to move these babies. And move they will. This is some sick shit. App Store-compatible, able to run Mac apps, too. By October at the latest.

Personally, I agree with Geeokologie that "Trusted sources don't say 'This is some sick shit.' That's like a back alley plastic surgeon promising you "the sweetest fuckin' knockers this eye ever saw" while tapping his eyepatch and waving a machete."

All this = not a good enough reason for me to pass up buying a new Macbook on taxfreee weekend.

Scmath Graph: Beverage Hierarchy

2008-07-18T19:43:00.001-05:00

Kentucky: The "Will Ferrell Gets Most of His Material From Us" State

2008-07-18T15:40:00.001-05:00

thanks Nashvillest

Wallpaper Anthology: iPhone / iPod Touch Walls for All You Jerks

2008-07-18T15:17:00.000-05:00

I was trying to tell myself that I didn't want one, that I was above all that hype. But after seeing one last night in a bar, I have to say: FUCKING WANT.

Here's to living vicariously through your gadget god-ness.

From indeepop

from Pixelgirl

From Deviant Art

How To: Get Out Of A Speeding Ticket

2008-07-18T13:16:00.003-05:00

Uncomfortably funny to watch.

thanks Nitweet

Thweet

2008-07-17T15:10:00.017-05:00

Future President of the United States:

I didn't know the Seven Dwarves came in Chinese flavor:

Eddiestential Dillema:

Worst hyperbole EVER:

I'm a Paladin with 18 charisma and 97 hit points. I can use my helm of disintegration and do one D4 damage as my half-elf mage wields his plus-five holy avenger:
Congratulations! You are not allowed to reproduce.

2008-07-17T09:13:00.001-05:00

There are a TON of music rags out there. And, let's face it-- most of them suck.

So, if you've become blase about the whole music news industry, I don't blame you. You may want to skip reading the rest of this article.

Also, if you're one of those people who already has subscriptions to so many music mags you've built your furniture out of hot glue and old issues of Rolling Stone, I'm not suggesting that you over-burden yourself with reading another one-- Lord knows I already have a hard enough time keeping up with music blogs, All songs considered, and my friends' last.fm pages.

But for those of us who hold out hope for print media, Paste magazine is a pretty solid attempt at reporting on aural stimulation. They have a digital edition that is actually readable, interesting articles like "Why Rabbits Hate Sigur Ros", and a subscription policy that lets readers name their own price.

Nice.

Shomer fucking shabbos.

2008-07-16T14:17:00.001-05:00

The entire movie in 3-second intervals.

Today's Scmath: Origin of the Species

2008-07-16T10:09:00.002-05:00

"Popples Are Pals That Pop Out Of Pockets!!"

Long silent pauses followed by 80's vocal stylings equals hilarity.

2008-07-16T09:04:00.003-05:00

David Lee Roth 'Runnin' with the Devil' vocal track.
Make sure you make it to 1:55.

thanks Cwage

Scmath Graph: A Plush Retirement OR Bean Counting

2008-07-15T16:10:00.003-05:00

While talking with Jamie over lunch today, somehow the subject of beanie babies came up, which left us wondering about the remaining relative value of what some people's mother in laws considered a legitimate retirement and/or college fund investment back in 1995.

The data is a bit sketchy and scattered, coming mostly from Wikipedia, The Ty website (which pulls up with a Netscape logo in the address bar and appropriately looks like something straight out of 1997) and price figures culled from eBay.
From my reading, I can tell you that there is a HUGE disconnect between what people think the approximate value of a "rare" beanie baby should be, and what people are actually willing to pay for it. Although there is the occasional odd bird (or bear) that will go for hundreds of dollars, the value is still nothing near what the people now selling these plush, cuddly bags of tripe paid for them in 1995.

Based on the data gathered in my scientifically scrupulous research methods, I have come up with the following chart which accurately depicts the relative value of Beanie Babies in "Mint" condition for the period 1993-2008:

As you can see, Beanie Babies started off in 1992 with a relative value somewhere between Miller Lite and Lint (Pocket, not Dryer) then gradually inched up until hitting the Dog Turd plateau of '94. This was followed by a skyrocketing in popularity, until the BBs (as I like to call them) hit their peak value in late 1995, being valued at slightly more fiscal worth than an El Camino (1984). Since that time, the value of a beanie baby has steadily decreased to the current, low level.

In 1997, a Princess Diana bear went for about $4,000 when it first hit the market. It's now worth about 25 bucks, for a net loss of $3,975.
Conversely, if they would have put that money into a modestly-performing mutual fund that only gained about $5 per share in value over the last 11 years, they would have made $463 dollars.

SUCK IT.

The Next Species Endangered by Over-Dependence on Oil? The High School Athlete

2008-07-11T16:58:00.006-05:00

The Sports Illustrated website has an interesting (and worrying) article about the economic troubles being faced by high school athletics programs all across the country. While they're obviously being affected by general economic malaise, high gas prices are also affecting adolescent all-stars:

"Florida's troubles aren't difficult to trace. High gas prices have forced would-be tourists to stay home. Without those tourists, the state doesn't collect as much sales-tax revenue (Florida has no state income tax). With less revenue, the state has less available to give to school districts. Despite that, districts still must adhere to a state constitution amendment, passed by voters in 2003, that limits class size. With most of the money earmarked for the classroom, districts have struggled to pay for helmets, for volleyball nets or for gas to fill buses for away game trips."

This is a frightening trend considering most school districts in states without income taxes get the large majority of their funding from sales tax. As the economy falters and consumers spend less, the school systems lose much of their funding. Which in the end creates a vicious cycle that might continue itself in perpetuity if students can't receive the kind of quality education that will lead to the creation and availability of well-paying jobs that can revive the economy and schools in turn. See how it's all connected?

Most of the country didn't do much to stop the slow starvation of fine arts programs. But will they really let school districts flip the switch on their Friday Night Lights?

viaSports Illustrated

Do You believe in Second Chances?

2008-07-10T09:51:00.011-05:00

According to Neil Sedaka's seminal 60's pop hit, "Breaking up is Hard to Do."
And while this is true, and I appreciate the Brooklyn tenor's venerable efforts at bespeaking romantic truths in the context of "two minutes and sixteen seconds of pure pop magic", I have an issue to take up with Mr. Sedaka.
Like that 16th Century astronomer with the brass nose, Sedaka overlooked an important corrolary that when considered, radically effects the entire makeup of the relationship universe.
He needed to make another hit single entitled, "Breaking up is Hard to do.. but trying to get back together is waaaaaaaaay fucking harder."

Recent experiences have taught me about the torture, anxiety, guilt, unfounded expectations, doubt, unbearable hope, and baseless paranoia involved with trying to rescue and revive a former relationship. I've never attempted this before, and I've never had it done to me. But I can tell you that the level of torture is at least as bad as (if not worse than) actually breaking up.

Usually, when you break up with someone, either one or the both of you are certain enough of the wisdom in ending your affectionate interaction that, aside from the stray "goodbye" fuck some of you like to indulge in, the relationship is gradually but determindly put to death and allowed to rest peacefully under an epitaph of drunk dials and whiny blog entries.

But sometimes you make a big mistake.

I stand before you today, admitting my idiocy, and generally deprecating the decision-making processes I have used in determining the direction of my life for the past year. I spent the last twelve months or so in Japan, during which time--due to homesickness, lonliness, or the general mind-fuck of living in that country (I'm still not exactly sure)-- I made what I now consider to be the worst mistake of my life: breaking up with the boy I love.

And I am not exaggerating, in the way overly emotional teenagers proclaim that they've had the "worst day of their life" because they couldn't get Hannah Montana tickets or whatever the fuck 13 year olds get emotional about these days.
I am serious. This is easily the stupidest, most horrible, worst decision I have ever made. And if it cannot be undone, I will spend the rest of my life regretting it and wondering what might have been.

In short, I've been a real asshat.

So, in celebration of my own idiocy and regret, I give you this incomprehensible list of movies which prove that love can be salvaged-- to give myself (and maybe you) hope that second chances really are possible after all.
AND that people get back together more often than you'd think.
List of songs coming later this week.

Movies where couples break up and Get back together
Loser
Valley Girl
Funny Face
Say Anything
My Fair Lady
Say It Isn't So
Fanny (1961)
She's All That
The Break-Up
Music & Lyrics
Kiss Me, Kate!
Half a Sixpence
A Lot Like Love
The MatchMaker
Run, Fatboy, Run
The Tao of Steve
Just Like Heaven
The Goodbye Girl
Love & Basketball
Wimbledon (2004)
Barefoot in the Park
Meet Me in St. Louis
My Sassy Girl (2001)
An American in Paris
Bridget Jones's Diary
Boy Meets Girl (1938)
Something New (2006)
Tears of the Black Tiger
Peggy Sue Got Married
10 Things I Hate About You
Mr. Hobbs Takes a Vacation
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
A Streetcar Named Desire~feature film and TV version

And don't take any internet advice. Just be honest with yourself and with them.

Gaseous Spacial Bodies: BSG Season 3 Gag Reel

2008-07-06T10:46:00.000-05:00

BSG Season 3 Gag Reel -

Who knew they were so gassy?

Who knew John McCain & George Carlin had so much in common?

2008-07-05T12:28:00.000-05:00

In 1992 John McCain called his wife a cunt??? Why hasn't this been on the news??

Oh. Okay.

And by the way, Iowa Baptist minister with balls of steel, yes, it's real. He really did call his wife a cunt.

The EU wants to ground bad children from the internet

2008-07-05T11:29:00.007-05:00

Last-minute amendments added into an otherwise comprehensive telecom bill would create a copyright infringement law requiring ISP's in the European Union to refuse internet access to any user who is accused of copyright infringement 3 times. Notice I said accused, not convicted. read more.

The law would remove judcial power and human peer review from the process, instead letting electronic filtering and surveilance devices make the decision as to whether or not someone is violating copyright law, and then taking measures to effectively ban that person from being able to use the internet.

Not only do I find the last-minute "backdoor" actions which led to the proposed law being tacked onto an otherwise sensible telecom bill shady and reprehensible, I am severely bothered by the lack of due process it supports. I also find it rather disturbing that the music, movie, and software industries effectively have the power to regulate and supervise the knowledge to which human beings are allowed access.

For me, the internet represents the modern realization of the ideals set forth during The Enlightenment. Unmitigated access to almost the totality of the world's knowledge-- for better or worse-- was the dream of all those who in the 18th century grew sick of the repression and restriction of knowledge perpetrated by the church and state, and gave birth to a movement fueled by knowledge, logic, and philosophy that would eventually lead to the French and American revolutions.

To think that access to that knowledge could be cut off at the mere accusation of actions which are undesirable to the music, movie, or software industries-- that access to englightenment could be blocked by greed and an interest in protecting some bloated corporate entity's bottom line-- is utterly repugnant.

The actions of the European Parliament have left the citizens of the EU very little time to respond to the proposed bill. The amendments were added less than a week ago, and if not for the outspoken objections of a few MEPs, would never even have been brought to light until it was too late.

The bill will be put to a vote this Monday, July 7th.
If you are a citizen of the EU, sites like Open Rights Group are urging you to become educated about this issue, and to contact your MEPs before this Monday to let him or her know that you are opposed to these disturbing last-minute additions to the "Telecom Package".
The site also tells you how to find and contact your MEPs, and gives advice on points to argue in your letters and phone calls.

I hope, not only for the sake of the EU but for the rest of the world's proponents of open rights, that the package is not allowed to pass in its current form. Enacting such a law would violate every ideal of freedom of knowledge and access to truth that so many of our countries have mortally struggled to protect.

source via boingboing

And I still don't have a monument

2008-07-04T16:12:00.001-05:00

This week, the Mashuk-Akva Term spa in Russia unveiled their new, painstakingly sculpted 800 pound brass monument...to enemas.

"There is no kitsch or obscenity, it is a successful work of art," the spa's director told The Associated Press. "An enema is almost a symbol of our region."
source

thanks AsgardTex!

So there IS a useful use for text messages

2008-07-04T11:47:00.003-05:00

Metropolitan police departments in Boston, Louisville, Cincinnati, San Francisco and others have implemented anonymous text-message crime tip hotlines.
read the article

Police say that many tipsters feel more anonymous-- and thus, more comfortable-- using a texting tip system rather than phoning in a tip. So far, in certain cities, the texts have yielded several drug arrests and helped close a few murder cases, not to mention the huge upsurge in reports of misdemeanor crimes like petty vandalism and illegal dumping-- you know, the things you see all the time but would never bother to actually CALL the cops about? In those cases, it's not a question of feeling comfortable with anonymity so much as wondering if anyone really cares or if relating that information will make a difference. But with texts to police, just like with texts to friends, you feel more comfortable sending short bits of possibly unimportant information that doesn't really warrant a full phone call.

Personally, I think this is a great idea and hope that the Nashville Metropolitan Police could consider implementing such a system. There's no question that it would be used. Just last night I saw a Nashville texter twittering about a car he had seen being broken into.

Unfortunately, this system reeks of unconventionality, adaptability, and modern technology-- three things that the Metro Nashville PD usually avoid like anthrax.

E-mobile is a monkey's uncle?

2008-07-02T09:55:00.004-05:00

This commercial for Japanese cell-phone company E-mobile is causing quite a stink. The ad depicts a Macack monkey giving a political speech as supporters cheer and wave signs that say "Change", clearly a reference to Barack Obama.

The subject of racism in Japan is always a tricky one. It definitely exists, but is more often the result of innocent (or ignorant) misconceptions that are the result of nationally embraced foreign cutural stereotypes rather than any conscious malicious intent. The country of Japan is about 90% racially homogenous, and has been since it's inception. The 200 year-long xenophobic seclusion of the Edo period certainly didn't do anything to encourage non-Japanese cultural or racial inclusion. Typically, if you don't look Japanese, you are considered a "foreigner", regardless of how many generations your family has actually lived in Japan and been Japanese citizens. That type of discrimination does exist, and is yet another embodiment of the culturally engrained proclivity to view all matters from a reference point of what is "inside" and "outside".

In the case of this E-mobile commercial however, I don't think the motivating factor was racism. E-mobile has used the Macack monkey as it's mascot in several of it's commercials over the past two years. Many of the adds often involve the monkey depicting a well-known politician or businessman in a satirical way.

I think we can chalk this one up to a case of cultural ignorance. E-mobile looks rather foolish for being unaware that portraying someone who is black or of mixed race as a monkey would be seen as racially offensive by Americans. But can a foible caused by cultural ignorance be considered racist?

Sculpted Walls

2008-06-30T13:35:00.000-05:00

These sculpted cardboard wallpaper tiles from Nomad would make any room look distinct. They're just weird enough to make someone go, "Huh?" when they walk in. They're bio-degradeable and come in a number of colors...

And can be put together in different configurations.

A pack of 12 1'x1' squares costs $32, which aint bad for the level of impact you get.
I've been struggling for a while to find some sort of sound-diffusing wall-covering to put behind my stereo (it makes it sound better). A lot of audiophiles will cover their walls with $200-$300 specialized boards... or bubble wrap on the lower end of things. But bubble wrap taped to the wall looks like crap.

This looks awesome.

Cibo Matto Video

2008-06-27T21:41:00.002-05:00

The Mind wooooobles. Don't even try to put this together logically. You'll only end up hurting yourself.

The Most 'Liveable' Cities in the World

2008-06-27T13:55:00.004-05:00

Monocle Magazine has published its list of the 25 most liveable cities in the world. The rankings are part reader survey, part editorial discretion. They represent cities that have acheived just the right combination of "shops and services within walking distance, a good transport interchange within close proximity, green space as part of their residence, a good park with a body of water for a refreshing plunge nearby, independent businesses as a key feature of the community, a sense of security (police on the beat or a Japanese-style police box in their neighbourhood), excellent coffee (Melbourne’s Fitzroy and St Kilda and Sydney’s Potts Point frequently came up as neighbourhoods that had the ideal mix of restaurants, cafés and street life) and finally a little bit of grit and surprise."

It may be a surprise to some that Tokyo was ranked third on the list, but I wholeheartedly agree with that assesment. Since it's one of the largest cities in the world, one would have the tendency to assume that there are a lot of things wrong with it-- dirty, run-down, crowded architecture, horrible traffic, drug problems, or crime. And although Tokyo has it's fair share of megalopolis problems, as far as the living goes, the getting is pretty good.
There's a huge variety of independent restaurants, bars, shops, art galleries, and clubs open at all hours of the night and within walking distance. One only ever need return home to shower and change clothes. Notice I didn't say "sleep" because you see all manner of Tokyo-ites sleeping in the oddest places-- from the suit-clad salary man sleeping on the steps of the train station to fashion-victim ikemen cuddled up together in the doorways of music clubs.
Each neighborhood has its own distinct flavor, such that one need only walk 20 minutes in any direction to experience a culture shift and find some kind of "scene" to become utterly fascinated by.

If I have any gripes about Tokyo, it would be the sense of human disconnect and that odd open-sewer smell that seems to waft about in random pedestrian areas. But that's nothing that can't be fixed by establishing a close circle of friends and developing controlled breathing techniques.

And Tokyo is one of the best places in the world to people watch. In fact, I'd venture to say it is THE best place in the world. For entertainment, you need nothing more than a pair of eyes and a place to sit. Pick a crowded street or intersection, then watch with glee as the parade of fashionistas, fashion-victims, perverts, schoolgirls, weirdos, freaks, punks, crazy homeless people, empty-eyed salary men, couples, princesses, lolitas, b-boy wannabees, confused tourists, harrassing sex-work recruiters, sex workers themselves, drag queens, drag kings, idol hopefuls carrying karaoke machines singing covers of pop standards, geeks, otaku, yakuza, drunken old men, hunch-backed grandmas, and prima donas with little dogs in purses stroll on by.

Although I wasn't suprised to see Tokyo on the list, I WAS surprised that the top-ranked American city was Honolulu, ranked 12th. Because it's such a HUGE tourist destination, I guess I thought Honolulu couldn't possibly be that great.

But for me, the biggest surprise was that the next-highest ranked American city was Minneapolis, ranked 19th. I've never been to Minneapolis. It's just not one of the first places that comes to mind when I think of American cities I'd like to visit. But I guess I should be checking it out.

The List:

1. Copenhagen
2. Munich
3. Tokyo
4. Zurich
5. Helsinki
6. Vienna
7. Stockholm
8. Vancouver
9. Melbourne
10. Paris

11. Sydney
12. Honolulu
13. Madrid
14. Berlin
15. Barcelona
16. Montreal
17. Fukuoka
18. Amsterdam
19. Minneapolis
20. Kyoto

Runner's Up
21. Hamburg
22. Singapore
23.Geneva
24. Lisbon
25. Portland.

View the entire article here.

via Monocle

Google Maps Can't Tell You How To Get There

2008-06-26T23:48:00.006-05:00

So, after months of protracted, torturous job-hunting I am proud to annouce that you won't have to deal with any more of my pity parties or self-abasing "Why the hell won't anyone hire me?" bitch fests.

I got a job!

And an awesome one at that-- well, awesome to ME anyway. I'll be working as one of the four head secretaries for the English Department at MTSU. There are four offices and each office has a secretary/administrative assistant. I'll be the one for the upper division office.

That's right! Come into the upper division office and I'll be sitting behin that little gray, cardboard, half-cubicle of a desk, ready to help you with all your grown-up problems.

I'm really looking forward to starting work this monday. Not only will this job give me some great benefits-- like one free graduate school course per semester--but it's also giving me experience in Education Administration, which is what I've decided I want to do in the future. The end goal is to become the Study Abroad director for a university and send kids out all over the world to get culturally mind-fucked.

A few weeks ago, I was feeling really lost. So I sat down and wrote out a ten-year plan for myself. 10 years is about as far ahead as I can think. It was a really weird exercise and I felt kind of foolish, but it really got me thinking. Why is it that we make sure to plan out everything small we do-- from having a party to taking a weekend trip-- but neglect to sit down and write out a plan for the most important thing: our lives?

I've sort of made most of the important decisions in my life a-la-carte. I floated through high school because everyone said you needed to graduate high school. I went to Japan because I wanted to go "see what it was like". I went to college because everyone said you had to go in order to get a good job.
When I couldn't pick a major, people kept asking me what I was interested in. When I told them I was interested in "everything" then they asked me what my goals were for the future. But I always thought about this question in terms of a career-- what kind of job could I see myself doing? And I couldn't ever picture myself doing anything for the next 4 decades without becoming miserable from repetition and routine.

In reality, I shouldn't have been thinking about the future in terms of a career. I should have been doing what we've all done to some extent since we were little kids: I should have been DREAMING about the future.

Most of us wouldn't have a hard time day-dreaming about the fabulous lives we'd like to have. But most of us will never try to create a plan of action to actually obtain those lives.
Well, why the hell not?
Would you rather spend your time dreaming about that life, or actually living it? The fact that there are other people out there who already have your dream life is proof enough that it is possible.

You might feel a little bit lost about how to get there. The best advice I can give is to find a mentor-- someone else who has already accomplished the goals you want to reach. Then find out about what they did to get there and adopt their strategy to suit your life plan. If it worked for them, it can work for you.

Some of us know what our dreams for the future are. But we're going about trying to accomplish them without a concrete plan-- WRITTEN OUT with specific, sequential steps to take to reach our life goals.
It's important to write out a plan like this because so many things require several steps and preliminary processes that need to be started well in advance, often YEARS before any discernable payoff. For example, I discerned that in order to reach my life goals, I need to obtain a doctorate from Waseda University's International Relations program by 2016.
The obvious prerequisites for that goal might include obtaining a master's in a related field and applying to the doctorate program. But in reality, there are a litany of other steps I have to take to get there.

First of all, for the career I desire, it would be better to get my masters in an UN-related field, which runs counter to traditional thinking. Second, financing my trip would require applying to scholarship programs a year before applying for admission to the program. In order to get those scholarships, I should have previously published research in a peer-reviewed journal. That requires actually performing research (which can take years) and for someone inexperienced like me, would usually require partnering with a more experienced mentor. If I can manage to partner with someone who is already well-respected in the field, then I will gain valuable experience and guidance while being able to attach an impressive name to my scholarship application-- making it more competitive. But how do I meet those people? Perhaps that requires joining a professional organization with which they are involved and maybe attending a conference where I can meet them.

So, there you go. That's about 5 steps I need to take just to fund my education. And the first step--joining a professional organization and networking-- is something that would need to be done YEARS ahead of time, in order to give myself time to meet and partner with the right people, perform the research, and get it published in time to include it in my scholarship or grant bid.

There are countless other things I'd have to take into consideration as well (arranging housing, a part-time job, passing the JLPT, paying off student loans) and just as many pre-requisites. For instance, I will have to take and pass level 1 of the JLPT in order to attend the doctorate program I desire. I've passed level 3, but I need to move on to level 2. Right now, the JLPT is only proctored ONCE A YEAR in December. So, even though I don't plan on entering doctorate school until 2013, I am already, right now, TODAY studying to pass level 2 of the JLPT this December. If I hadn't written out my life plan, I wouldn't have known that I need start studying NOW, since the date of my entrance into doctorate school (2013) seems so far off.

That gives you an idea of how complex the plan can be and how necessary it is to make a plan like this so you can get started on certain things when you need to, often years in advance.

To make my life plan, I used "maze logic"--I started at the end, writing out everything I would conceivably, realistically want to have, and, like a maze, worked backwards toward the begining, looking up deadlines for things like scholarships applications as I went along, so I would know the exact deadline by which I would have to accomplish a certain task. Getting this job was step number one.

And I can't tell you how good it feels to know that I've not just acquired a paycheck, but that I've already accomplished one tiny step towards having my Good-life. Every day when I go into work, I'll know exactly what I'm working for-- why I'm getting up at 5 am and riding the bus for two hours, putting up with copy machines, sleeplessness and eye strain, and hapless college freshmen. It's because every paper cut gets me a step closer to my goals.

So, if you're feeling a bit lost like I was-- unsatisfied, unfulfilled, drained, wondering what it's all for-- I suggest you try the same thing. Write out your realistic dream life. Dream big!!! And then work backwards, planning sequential, realistic steps that will get you to your dreams.

It makes life worth living and hard work worth working hard for.

And Here I Thought SELF Magazine Was Written By Women..

2008-06-26T23:46:00.005-05:00

Self magazine reccomends doing this pose during your 'time of the month' in order to alleviate PMS symptoms like cramping....

yeah. FUCK THAT.

Grass Seats

2008-06-25T22:15:00.001-05:00

"David and Edward" chairs by chair_couture.

Athletic Supporters: Japanese Soccer Commercial

2008-06-25T13:58:00.002-05:00

Boy Handy Pocket Fan

2008-06-24T20:55:00.003-05:00

Guess what you Press to Turn Him On...

His "ears" are actually the fan blade sticking out from the back of his head.
9 bucks at Asia_jam

spark*/spur: The Two C's!

2008-06-24T20:04:00.001-05:00

It's time for this week's spark*/spur: a muster of interior inspiration.

Below the images, you can find links to some of the products' sites. But the majority of these high-end, slick items are either not available in this country or else prohibitively expensive. This isn't a catalog for some rich bitch to throw a ridiculous amount of money at some overpriced goods. The idea is more to get you thinking about ways to implement these design ideas yourself, with craft projects or low-cost alternatives. There's no reason why you can't do it yourself and experience the personal pride that comes out of creating your own living space.

So, look at these, and droooooool....

And then get started.
This week's theme: Chartreuse & Citron! Yay!

Jumproll
casadeco flavorpaper designer's_guild angela_adams bliss_living_home circusposterus joom

Two Things I've Always Wanted: Freckles & Curly Fro Hair

2008-06-24T13:09:00.002-05:00

"Run Run" by Those Dancing Days

iPhone Wallpapers by Veer

2008-06-23T22:29:00.000-05:00

Requires site registration, but otherwise free. You can also get full-size normal-ish desktop versions here.
The Veer site is just a stylish place to be in general.

Indeepop "Fimbo" Poster

2008-06-23T22:06:00.000-05:00

15 Bucks

WHAT?!?!?

2008-06-23T16:42:00.000-05:00

Edith Macefield: The Hold-Out Who Never Sold Out

2008-06-22T21:43:00.000-05:00

"All Edith Macefield wanted to do was live out her days in her small Ballard home, refusing to sell to developers, who simply built around her. She died Sunday at age 86."
- Seattle Times

Daily Dose of Cute

2008-06-22T13:31:00.000-05:00

Get a two-minute shot of happy cuteness with Chii's Sweet Home, tiny kitty-slice of life anime shorts about a kitten who gets separated from his momma and taken in by a new family.

It's not Nietschze, people. It's something you can smile at.

Online Videos by Veoh.com

It's a God Awful Small Affair For the Girl with the Mousy Hair

2008-06-20T00:44:00.000-05:00

Tell me, is there Ice on Mars??
Nasa says yes!

Researchers currently working with the Phoenix Rover say that some "dice-sized" "shiny white material" unearthed by the rover a few days ago have disappeared. There was some initial debate as to whether or not the material was ice or salt, but the disappearing act has lead anyone who is NOT a paranoid alien conspiracy theorist to surmize that the chunks were made of ice which evaporated in the sun after being dug up.

Look! If you look carefully in the lower left hand corner, you'll see some rocky, white-ish chunks that disappear.

Why does this matter? Well, it's the first relatively concrete proof that there is water on the red planet, albeit in frozen form. The presence of water means that Mars could have sustained life in the past, and would be capable of supporting human colonization in the future.

All of this still fails to answer Bowie's question, but at least it's a step in the right direction.

Domo Arigatou, Mr. Roboto.

2008-06-19T20:45:00.001-05:00

Zettai Kareshi (Absolute Boyfriend) is a live-action Japanese romantic comedy based on a manga about a girl named Riiko whose biggest problem is that she has NO game. She's sweet, cute, and earnest. But the people in the series keep calling her "Omou" (heavy), meaning that she treats things in life-- specifically romance-- too seriously. For most people this would be a good character trait, but since this is a Japanese drama, her wholesome purity of heart has to be both a strength and a character flaw. Par for the course.
I went into this show expecting it to be like any other formulaic J-drama about a 20-something girl in an office who is hapless at relationships but inevitably, through her inherent goodness and purity of heart wins the love of some ultimate rich, handsome "prince charming". So I was caught off-guard when they introduced the character of a lifelike robot designed to be the "ideal boyfriend" for Riiko.

The wholesomely-adorable-as-warm-milk-and-cookies Saki Aibu, who plays Riiko, will inspire loads of moe girl-love. Cuz she's just so cute with her slightly awkward mannerisms, poochi little bowl cut, and adorable outfits.

Soushi Asamoto, whom I'm assuming will be the one she ends up with, is played by Hiro Mizushima, who looks a lot like Matsumoto Jun (lead-singer of Arashi who played Doumyoujji in 'Hana Yori Dango'). At least to me, he does.

The "ideal" boyfriend-bot is played by Hayami Mokomichi. I suppose Japanese women must think he's hot or they wouldn't have cast him in the role. He's not really my type though. He's very.... tan. He'll be the it boy for the next month or so anyway; the fickle fancy of Japanese fan-girls goes out quicker than the tides.

As an added bonus, Maya Miki (Himitsu no Hanazono, LIFE) who is always one of my favorites plays a supporting role as the worldly, wise in love, advice-a-plenty bartender.

The show is weird, funny, and sweet. Does anyone remember that show in the 80's that had that little girl who was supposed to be a robot? It's like that, but with Japanese people and a focus on romance instead of family bonding.
I've watched 3 episodes so far and haven't gotten bored with it yet, which is a small honor for a j-drama. It's basically tv-lite with few plot twists (a snakey back-stabbing fake-friend) and lots of robot- related ridiculousness.

You can watch the Episode 1(split into parts) on Veoh, which is a treasure-trove for Japanese dramas, music shows, and animes. You can only watch the first 5 minutes on the website, but instal the free Veoh TV player and you can easily download and watch the whole 1 hour episode off-line.

Carboard Room Dividers

2008-06-19T13:25:00.000-05:00

This modular system from Nomad lets you construct a wall divider, partition, or a complete room out of simple cardboard components. Each individual component looks like this:
You put two of them together to make this:

And then stack those together to make this:

At $56 for a set of 24 "modules" though, they're not cheap. But the concept seems simple enough that you could make them yourself out of enough cardboard boxes and some paint. Or maybe cardboard boxes covered with leftover magazines and decoupage glue. Any suitably sturdy building material will do.

Science That's a Little Too Close to Magic...

2008-06-17T11:38:00.000-05:00

Appparently, for some time now, physicists have been able to create what are called "Quantum-entangled images". Through a complicated process (that I, of course, don't understand) they can use atoms and gasses and light to create pairs of quantumly linked images. If one image is the "proof", then the other is like a "negative" of a slightly darker color, inverted, and rotated 180 degrees.

You're probably thinking, "So? Where's the magic part in all of this?"

Well, the part of this science that makes it weird is that no matter where the images are-- right next to each other, or on opposite sides of the planet-- if you make a change to one image, the change will instantaneously appear in the other image.
I'll give you a moment to go, "Whoah!"
The scientists who have recently found a much faster, easier method of creating these "images" expect them to be used for complex data storage, since large amounts of data can (somehow) be stored in them.

But for me, I'm thinking more like The Doctor's psychic paper... or even, Tom Riddle's diary.

Anyway, the communications possibilities are endless. Using quantumly-linked data could mean an end to all digital modes of data transmission. Why mess with cables and IP addresses and network traffic jams when you could have, say, a daily newspaper that is instantaneously updated the second it hits the press in the morning?

I'm even wondering if something like the portrait of Dorian Gray could be possible-- where a human is quantumly entangled with an inverse image at birth, and instead of the person growing old, the image does???

I know that's a far, far way off... but it's fun to dream, isn't it?

Stabbing Rampage in Akihabara

2008-06-12T12:30:00.002-05:00

On June 8th, 25 year-old Tomohiro Kato drove a rental truck into a crowded pedestrian street in Tokyo's Akihabara district, the area whose name has become synonymous with anime and otaku culture. After running over 3 people in the crowded streets (which are closed to traffic and packed with shoppers on Sundays) Kato then exited the truck and began stabbing nearby pedestrians with a "survival" knife purchased at a military equipment store.

Rumors are circulating that Kato was pretty quickly chased by a Japanese policeman, but when confronted with nothing more than a police baton, he went on stabbing nearby pedestrians for several blocks until the cop finally pulled a gun on him. Kato then collapsed on the sidewalk and lay there, curled up, until escorted into a police cruiser.

When it was all over, 17 people had been seriously injured, including another policeman. 10 of the victims survived. Among the seven killed are six men, ranging in age from 19-74, and one 21 year-old woman.

Warning: This video contains some disturbing content

When asked why he did it, Kato replied that he was, "Tired of living," adding, "“I came to Akihabara to kill people. It didn’t matter whom I’d kill.”
read more here

When something like this happens in Japan, it seems all the more shocking because there is almost NO random violent crime there. The feeling is something like it was when the Columbine School shootings first occurred-- a random, violent act, with the single objective of killing as many unknown people as possible, perpetrated in what was thought to be a "safe" environment.

The act of violently stabbing and killing random people in broad daylight is unfortunately becoming all too common in Japan. In January 2008, a 16-year old boy went on a stabbing spree in a shopping street in Shinagawa. This past March, a 24 year-old man killed one and wounded seven in Tsuchiura. And this month's tragedy occurred on the anniversary of the Osaka Elementary School stabbings of 2001, when a man forced his way into an elementary school and killed 8 children with a kitchen knife.
Although I'm sure a lot of it can be attributed to serious mental illness, I'm positive that modern Japan's culture of hegemony, emotional detachment, and social severence have also greatly contributed to such explosive, psychotic, mental breakdowns.
Anyone who's ever ridden the commuter train from Tokyo on a weekday has seen the glazed, resigned looks on the faces of tired, stressed-out, over-worked company employees, with faces intent upon cell-phones, burried in books, sleeping (or pretending to sleep) or just staring blankly off into space; all desperately trying not to ackknowledge the presence of the other human beings around them. Riding the train at 6pm often leaves one with the unsettling, surreal feeling of being engulfed in a sea of what you would classify as either life-like mannequins or robots whose batteries are just about run out, dangling precariously from wrists hooked in hand straps.

There are a lot of things I love about Japan. But the coldness with which human beings interact with each other-- or more often than not, DON'T interact with each other-- on a daily basis constantly affected me while I was there. There are no warm smiles or friendly greetings between strangers. Rarely is there ever even eye-contact with another human being. The thought is that if you don't already know the person, and you have no specific business with them, you shouldn't look at them, talk to them, or otherwise acknowledge their existence. Doing so would be troublesome, bothersome, or 'odd'.

The entire country of Japan has the atmosphere of the first day of homeroom in high school. The pressure to "fit in" and the tension of keeping up an affected appearance is so thick that you live in fear of making any awkward movements and nearly hyperventilate from trying not to breathe "too loudly". You're wondering what everyone else is thinking about you, while trying to appear cool and unconcerned. Meanwhile, everyone else in the room is thinking and doing exactly the same thing, with the end result that no-one is talking, making eye contact, or otherwise acknowledging one-another because they're so wrapped up in their own neuroses.

In addition to the stress and pressures of Japanese work life, this crushing hegemony and all-consuming preoccupation with perfection saturates every aspect of modern Japanese life. I can't say I blame anyone for zoning out when they're in public.
Often, after returning from a day-trip into the city, I would feel inexplicably exhausted. Not sleepy, mind you... just physically and mentally worn down by the waves of people crashing in on me. At these times, I would often nod-off on the train-- not really sleeping-- but just closing my eyes and resting. It was a physical and mental relief to close my eyes and shut out the world. It let me pretend, however illogically, that I was alone for the moment. I was freed from the burden of acknowledging the presence of others around me-- other human beings who were there, were present, but with whom I knew I would have no real human interaction.

I'm not sure what the "answer" to this social problem is-- if an answer is even needed. All things considered, Japanese society has some pretty good things going for it, including the longest average life-span in the world and one of the lowest crime-rates of any industrialized nation. Perhaps this dehumanizing iron-clad hegemony that can freeze your spirit is the price you have to pay in order to keep everyone working hard and sticking to the straight & narrow.
But even with the low crime rate, long life-span, cool gadgets, and interesting culutre, I personally don't think I could stand to live the rest of my life in Japan--not in Kanto at any rate. That straight and narrow is just a little too narrow for me. In spite of everything I love about Japan (and there are a LOT of things I love about it) the paradoxical hostility of drowning in lonliness while being constantly surrounded and pressed in upon by a sea of people would be just too much for me to bear.

I'm reminded of that maddening line from The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, "Water, water everywhere, nor any drop to drink."
In Japan, there are people literally EVERYWHERE. But finding someone with whom you can actually connect is like looking for a polar bear in a snowstorm.

What's Arabic for "Turd"?

2008-06-11T23:35:00.000-05:00

You never know when being able to say "This please?" or "Help!I'm lost!" in Vietnames could come in handy. What if you woke up tomorrow only to find out that you were a brain-washed secret government sleeper agent who botched a mission in Namibia only to be abandoned by the US government with no cash in the middle of the Arabian desert?
Okay, so maybe that's not likely. But being able to properly pronounce "Beef Bon bu zo" will get you a long way with the waitress at your favorite Vietnamese restaurant. You know, the one who perpetually seems to have metal shavings stuck all up in her lady business.

There are lots of free tools for picking up a second language on the internet. But, if you've ever tried, you know that "picking up" a second language is about as easy as picking up a backhoe with your teeth.

Fortunately, our tiny, simian brains are fairly able to retain and use key phrases in a foreign language without needing to understand things like first person polite plural form or aglutinative verb conjugation. We have an amazing capacity to hear, repeat, retain, and then reuse phrases and sentences. After all, that's how we learned to speak when we were children: first by listening (for a few years mind you) then by repeating phrases and experimenting with words while being completely and totally unafraid to make mistakes. These attributes are essential to keep in mind if you really want to become fluent in a foreign language, but are also useful if you want to aim for the broader, less concentrated goal of simply picking up a few key phrases and proper pronunciation in a number of foreign languages.

I've found a wonderful website aimed at accomplishing these goals. Survival Phrases is a language learning website that offers free podcast lessons on basic phrases in Arabic, Bulgarian, Chinese, Japanese, (dirty knees, look at these) Russian, and others. The lessons are short-- meaning they don't overload you with the extra grammar and conjugation information that a someone looking to study the language in-depth would find neccessary. Instead, the lesson concentrates intently on the clear pronunciation and repetitive reinforcement of basic, or "survival" phrases. All the podcasts are free. But if your interest goes further, you can also pay for a subscription that will give you access to PDF worksheets from the lessons and other learning tools.

Personally, I'm looking to get into some Vietnamese, Chinese, French, and Bulgarian. I made a very good Bulgarian friend while I was in Japan, but the only word she taught me was "Selanduur", the Bulgarian word for "RedNeck".

If you're like most people, you probably don't have the time, interest, or motivation to become fully fluent in a foreign language. But with a little bit of study, at least you'll be able to order your food without looking like a complete ass.

A Little Bit of Embarassment is Good for the Soul

2008-06-11T11:13:00.001-05:00

If you happened to have been watching Nashville Public Access Television at 11PM last night, you will have seen me making an ass out of myself, dancing in the front row (in full camera frame) at a local rock show.

Part of me thought it was really cool that I was on tele for being a cock at a local rock show. But most of me was just mortified.

It used to be that you could get really, violently drunk, go to a show, and full-on stroke out in the front row without worrying about it popping up on television, or the internet, or coming back to haunt you in the middle of a campaign for head of the local school board. Now, whenever I am out in public in the presence of aural stimulation, I can't just let go, whack out, and forget about all my problems-- I've got to constantly be on the lookout for a nosy camera or phone that would like to publish my atrocious dancing on the internet.

It's every uptight white girl's worst irrational fear come to life! Turns out everyone really IS watching what you do and talking smack about it. In the moment, no one really cares what you look like when you're dancing, because you're all just having fun, cutting loose, and mutually making fools of yourselves. But when transferred to video, it opens your actions up to scorching critique from third parties who weren't there, weren't drunk, and probably never dance but just stand in the corner with their arms crossed, slightly nodding their heads while sipping PBR and pissing about something inane.

I want to be able to dance like a fool-- to let go in a violently shaking, arm slinging, head-banging, pogo-ing, kinetic catharsis-- WITHOUT it being recorded for public record and future scrutiny. Is that too much to ask?
Most of all, I don't want to see what I look like when I dance. Now that I've seen it, it's gonna be hard to do that in public again without feeling like a self-conscious ass.

And so, to make my embarrassment complete:
Episode 19 of "Optic Audio". See if you can guess which over-enthusiastic, spastic crowd member is me.

Incredibly Creepy... But Incredibly Cool

2008-06-07T15:31:00.000-05:00

Cyborg Insects

8 Ways the Internet is Fucking With Relationships

2008-06-06T23:03:00.000-05:00

1. When you're feeling angsty, instead of writing shitty poetry in your journal, you write a self-absorbed blog about how you don't know where your life is going (set to private of course, so no one else can read it, but with a sufficiently intriguing title so your friends will know something is going on) and spend the rest of the night trying to find a new profile song that perfectly expresses everything you're feeling.

2. The old "definition" conversation-- where you sit down and work out whether or not you're exclusive and will call each other boyfriend & girlfriend-- has now been replaced by a status change on Myspace or Facebook. Last Month I found out my friend was engaged when she changed her Facebook status.

3. It used to be that beginning a new relationship meant scouring the apartment for photos of the old boyfriend, donating gifted stuffed animals to Goodwill, or shoving letters and cards into an old shoe box under the bed. Now, you've also got to erase any touchy-feely photos you uploaded, delete mushy comments and chat logs, and rearrange the order of your top five so the new boy is ranked higher than the old one.

4. Drunk-dials have been replaced by typo-laden emails, nonsensical profile comments, and solipsistic tweets.

5. I'm slightly ashamed to admit it... but I once broke up with someone over email. In my defense, we were on opposite sides of the earth with a 14 hour time difference and there was no good time to reach him on Skype.

6. You base your compatibility on the results of "Which Battlestar Galactic Character Are You?" quizes. You're an Adama and he's a Baltar? This is not going to work.

7. You don't have to find out about ex-girlfriends via hear-say and chance encounters if you know how to do a little bit of amateur detective work on Myspace. Unfortunately, this is also how you will find out when the Ex that dumped you is dating someone new.

8. All this ambiguous, twice-removed, snippet communication breeds misunderstanding and paranoia, and will destroy even the strongest of relationships.

Tuna-and-Radish Sandwiches on Baguette

2008-06-05T16:25:00.000-05:00

Makes 4 servings

This sandwich uses the savoriness of tuna to enhance the classic combination of radishes and buttered bread. But since doubling the bread would make a challenging mouthful, just grab a napkin and eat the sandwich open-faced. If you don't have a baguette, try the mixture on any type of hearty bread. Just don't forget the butter!

Ingredients
1 bunch radishes (about 10), chopped
2 ribs celery, chopped
3 6-ounce cans tuna (preferably packed in olive oil), drained
2 tablespoons Dijon mustard
2 teaspoons lemon juice
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
Salt
4 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened
1 baguette, cut into 4 equal pieces
2 tablespoons chopped fresh chives or parsley

In a medium bowl, combine the radishes, celery and tuna. Add the mustard, lemon juice and black pepper and stir to incorporate the ingredients. Taste the mixture and add a little salt if needed.

With your fingers, pull a little of the inside crumb from the cut side of the baguettes to form a shallow boat; discard the crumbs. Spread the butter generously over the cut sides of the baguette pieces and spoon the tuna mixture on top of each. Top with chopped chives. Serve the sandwiches open-faced.

- from The Oregonian

So That's Why the Bill is Always So High

2008-06-05T15:43:00.000-05:00

Cellphone vs. Microwave

Exotic Dancing is NOT a Sport

2008-06-05T10:38:00.000-05:00

I'm a big fan of chicks who do exactly what they want. So I've always looked up to female athletes who are strong enough to kick ass in their respective fields while still being hot enough to have their OWN asses ogled by the millions of drooling fan boys who daily stare at these girls' in magazines, in posters hanging in their bedrooms, and on thousands of websites. Speaking of such websites, I stumbled upon Hotties in Cleats, a blog that specializes in collecting "Hot pictures and videos of your favorite female ahtletes". Some people might have a problem with the idea of oggling any female in any photo, thinking that objectifies them. I'd tell those people to smoke a joint and stop taking themselves so seriously. Personally, I'd rather the 14-year-old harmonally challended get their rocks off to girls with talent, guts, AND nice butts than to some vapid, shallow, twat-flashing cum dumpster like... well, I don't know, almost EVERY female under 30 in Hollywood.
Sexy Long Jumping? Now that's the kind of ass-ogling a girl can actually appreciate.

Transformers T-Shirt is 'a Security Risk'

2008-06-04T23:15:00.000-05:00

Londoner Brad Jakody was stopped from boarding a plane at Heathrow Airport because he makes poor fashion choices and airport security officials don't have a lot of common sense.

The problem arose because Jakody had the audacity to stroll through an airport and attempt to board a plane while wearing a t-shirt depicting Optimus Prime holding some sort of gun. Security officials objected to the fashion choice-- which is not in itself such a bad thing and something that Jakody's close friends should have done for him a long time ago. But questionable wardrobe objections aside, Jakody was prohibited from boarding a plane because security officials believed that the shirt could be seen as rude or offensive.
The portly prospective passenger then had to change shirts in the security area before he could board the plane, which could have been slightly embarassing considering he's got a little bit of butter in the tub.

When reached for comment, Jakody quite sensibly responded, "I was like, 'What are you talking about?'...It's a cartoon robot."

via BBC

Dr. Beer

2008-06-04T15:53:00.001-05:00

MEET THE Anheuser-Busch Professor of Malting and Brewing Sciences at UC Davis

from the Los Angeles Times

Control the Horizontal & The Vertical, Don't Let IT Control YOU

2008-06-04T12:11:00.000-05:00

Watch classic episodes of The Twilight Zone on the CBS website. The first three seasons are available, which includes personal favorites "Time Enough at Last" (Season 1, Ep8) and Season 3's "A Quality of Mercy" (Yes, that's a young Leonard Nimoy).

And while we're on the subject, let's reflect on the fact that so-called "classics" are classics because they're good no matter how old they are. They stand the test of time. Ask yourself whether or not anyone will be watching Desperate Housewives 40 years from now, and then ask yourself whether or not you should even be watching it NOW.

Your TV diet is a bit like your food diet-- you are what you eat. Unfortunately, most people consume their visual media pretty indiscriminately, tacking American Idol episodes on top of Flavor of Rock of Love II with a little bit of Days of Our Lives ridiculousness to round out the combo. It's the mental equivalent of a deep-fried ice cream diet. And although this kind of senseless gluttony won't add inches to your waistline, you might end up with a fat head.

I wish everyone could see a graphical representation of what kind of person their mind would embody. Are you an obese yet somehow malnourished sore-infested meth head wearing a "God Don't Make No Trash" T-shirt? Or something a little more respectable?

Think a little about that and start to make some wiser choices in your TV diet. I'm not saying the occasional episode of The Real World or Gossip Girl is completely out of the question. But unless you want to make yourself mentally stroke out at age 42, consumption of these insubstantial sweets should be limited to the tiniest triangle at the top of the tv food pyramid.

Joystick Radio Star

2008-06-03T19:26:00.000-05:00

Despite all the crazy audio technology we have today, there are just some times and some places where a compact am/fm radio really hits the spot. Lexon's Stick Sound radio goes past hitting the spot and pounds it like a dirty whore.

The radio has a few standard tuning functions and volume control. And given the size of the tiny speaker on the bottom, I'm sure the sound quality isn't all that great. But you don't get a small fm radio because you're looking for sound qualitiy-- you're looking for a compact shape and convenience. The stick sound serves that functionality while making your space look a little bit neat-o.

And like most stylish, inventive electronics, it's not available in the U.S.

Find WiFi Hotspots in Your Zip Code

2008-06-03T02:00:00.000-05:00

Just enter an address or zip code and Hotspotr will pop up a google map marking all the wifi hotspots in the area. If one you know of isn't listed, do us all a solid and add it.
Nice, huh?

Steam-powered phonograph

2008-06-02T23:43:00.000-05:00

Projections for Party Background Visuals

2008-06-02T12:42:00.000-05:00

Because that's the best I can come up with to make this interesting animation useful:

Raku Gaki

2008-06-01T23:44:00.000-05:00

A part of the Flo:Q Japanese social networking site, the "Minna no Raku Gaki" site/flash widget takes the pict-o-chat-ish sketches of all the site's users and turns them into graffiti-esque tags super-imposed on a concrete wall.
Not exactly usefull, but pretty to look at. Millions of bored Japanese people have turned tiny picture drawing into an art form. They take that shit seriously, folks.

RIP YSL

2008-06-01T22:14:00.000-05:00

Thank you for practically inventing the blazer. What would I do without it?

Designer Yves Saint Laurent dies in Paris at age 71

Wake Up and Smell the Hummus

2008-06-01T13:38:00.001-05:00

Three variations of flavored hummus. Great for a party. And easy on the wallet-- there's no tahini!!
from Myrecipes.com

Prep: 10 min., Chill: 2 hr. Processing the hummus for one minute yields an extra-smooth consistency.

Ingredients
1 (16-oz.) can BUSH'S BEST Garbanzo Beans, drained and rinsed
1/3 cup olive oil
3 tablespoons lemon juice
1 teaspoon minced garlic
1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
1/4 teaspoon ground red pepper
Salt and pepper to taste
1 tablespoon olive oil (optional)

Preparation
Process first 6 ingredients and 2 tablespoons water in a food processor 1 to 2 minutes or until smooth, stopping once to scrape down sides. Add salt and pepper to taste. Transfer to a bowl. Cover and chill 2 hours or up to 3 days. Drizzle with 1 tablespoon olive oil just before serving, if desired. Garnish, if desired.

Spicy Cilantro-Lime Hummus: Prepare recipe as directed, substituting lime juice for lemon juice, increasing ground red pepper to 1/2 teaspoon, and adding 1/3 cup firmly packed chopped fresh cilantro and 2 teaspoons grated lime rind to the ingredients in food processor bowl. Garnish hummus with 1/8 teaspoon grated lime rind, if desired.

Per serving (2 tablespoons): Calories 89; Fat 6.3g (sat 0.9g, mono 4.4g, poly 0.8g); Protein 1.5g; Carb 6.9g; Fiber 1.3g; Chol 0mg; Iron 0.5mg; Sodium 92mg; Calc 11mg.

Roasted Red Bell Pepper Hummus: Prepare recipe as directed, omitting ground cumin and adding 1/2 cup roasted red bell peppers, chopped, and 2 tablespoons fresh oregano leaves to the ingredients in food processor bowl. Garnish hummus with dried crushed red pepper flakes, if desired.

Per serving (2 tablespoons): Calories 90; Fat 6.3g (sat 0.9g, mono 4.4g, poly 0.8g); Protein 1.5g; Carb 7.1g; Fiber 1.3g; Chol 0mg; Iron 0.4mg; Sodium 92mg; Calc 13mg.

Yield
Makes 1 1/2 cups (serving size: 2 tablespoons)

Things That Come Crawling Up Out of The Past

2008-05-30T14:12:00.000-05:00

Ever since I was about 5 years old, I've had this sort of half-disgusted, curious fascination with bugs. My next door neighbor, Ashley, had this one nasty, half-rotted out old tree covered with white fungusy-looking junk that every spring would errupt with a nest of small, sunflower seed-shaped, black and orange spotted bugs. We'd capture them and put them in jars for observation, douse them with water to see how well they could swim, and move them to different parts of the tree to see if they could find their way back to the nest.

The color, size, and shape of those little crawlies was etched in my impressionable brain, though I never knew the scientific name. That is, I never knew until a few days ago when I stumbled upon the What's that Bug? website.

What's that Bug? is a photo blog where readers send in pictures of interesting-looking bugs they rustle up in the bathroom, backyard, or bottom of the kitchen cupboard to have them identified by bug enthusiasts, Lisa Anne and Daniel. The two aren't anything-ologists. Their credentials-- Master of Fine Arts degrees-- are more suited to teaching graphic design than classifying insects. But their mutual interest in photography encouraged an exploration into the colorful, creepy, often weird world of microscopic models. And like most of us, their interest is less than scientific. Bugs look cool. "The truth is, the site is an art project", the two admit on the site's "About" page.

I stumbled upon this little gem while doing a google image search for close-up pictures of house flies for an art project of my own. While doing that search, I spotted a picture of an insect that I had always referred to as a "mosquito hawk". Growing up in the south, almost every bug or insect name I've ever learned has been some modified old southern colloquialism that bluntly describes when the bug hatches (June bug, May fly) what it looks like (Pill Bug, Mosquito Hawk) or the sound it makes (Katy-did). So, anyway, I found out that "Mosquito Hawks"--those nasty daddy-long legs looking flying things that resemble giant mosquitoes-- are actually called Crane Flies. And there happen to be hundreds of disgusting, creepy varieties of crane fly.

While grossing myself out looking at close-up pictures of crane flies mating (ass to ass!) and sitting on sticks in swamps (what crane flies like to do when they're not flapping their nasty, spindly legs in my face) I came upon yet another picture of a familiar, but until now, nameless bug. It was the orange and black spotted critter from my elementary school days!

Like stumbling upon a picture of old childhood buddies burried in the bottom of a shoebox, all at once the memories came flooding back. I had completely forgotten about my little six-legged playmates. It'd been years since I'd seen them! And now, I could finally put a name with the face!

Turns out my little buddy is called a "boxelder bug". They're pretty harmless leaf-eaters that swarm in summer and disappear by fall, searching out warm places to overwinter-- like the inside of my neighbor's tree. If not for What's that Bug? and some guy named Ron from South Carolina who sent in a picture of two boxelder bugs 'gettin it on', I might never have known the name of those mysterious creepies from my childhood.

The pages of What's that Bug? are filled with pictures of beetles, scorpions, moths, and all kinds of other insects that resemble rusty metal shavings or hairbrush bristles more than living things. It's a great way to kill time looking at weird shit while ostensibly learning something.
And who knows? Maybe you'll discover a long-lost friend from your childhood, rekindling burried memories of scraped knees, powdered-sugar sandwiches, and even that time you cajoled the neighborhood boy into showing you his junk-- creating a mental image that would be distorted by immaturity and the passage of time until at age 16 you honestly believed that all penises resemble vienna sausages.