Did you know that it's impossible to get a replacement cord for an electric blanket? I know this because I have recently lost the cord to an electric blanket that's been passed down through the generations-- and by that I mean that I got it from my grandmother when she had her last stroke and lost all feeling in one leg, thereby putting her in one of the categories of humans for whom it is NOT safe to use an electric blanket, so says The Electric Blanket Institute. Did you process that? The Electric Blanket INSTITUTE. Please read the following paragraph of sage advice from their website:

Just as with any electrical appliance, things do occasionally go wrong with electric blankets or electric mattress pads. For example, a control may not work properly, a blanket may become bunched up which might cause an overheated condition or a heater wire might break. Therefore it is foolish to allow infants or small children to use these products. Likewise for the same reasons, anyone who is helpless, paralyzed, insensitive to heat, or who cannot understand the control’s operation should never be allowed to use these appliances. Some elderly people with one or more of these conditions sometimes insist on having their electric blanket. Be strong and refuse them. Show “tough love” or you may regret it.


I'll just let that percolate for a little bit while you rip that Sunbeam out of granny's frost-bitten fingers and ponder the impressive wordplay of the phrase, "Likewise for the same reasons." In the meantime, I'll also I explain what the hell the fakeity fake institute of fake fake has to do with the title of this post.

While searching for "electric blanket cord" in an apparently futile endeavor to find a replacement for my heirloom, I came across the "Reviews and Buying" section of The Electric Blanket Institute's website. According to The Electric Blanket Institute (I giggle a little bit every time I capitalize that as a proper noun) each year the "well-respected Hammacher Schlemmer Institute honors one electric blanket as the best." You had no idea, I know.
If your Roomba busted a gear cleaning up all the sadness you crapped when The Sharper Image went bankrupt, you need to relax and feel the warm soothing pulsations of this motorized aquarium alarm chair talking bank massager-- Hammacher Schlemmer is here to sell you some ridiculous overpriced crap.

Here, in no particular order, 8 of the most retarded (or awesome, depending on how you look at it) pieces of entertaining trash on their website. You should know that since their slogan is "Offering the Best, the Only, and the Unexpected for 160 years," they title everything in their catalog "The_____"... which can be just plain fucking irritating after reading through 8 pages of items entitled "The Plantar Fasciitis Therapy Night Brace" and "The Women's Genuine Turkish Cotton Nightshirt."



The Authentic Boardwalk Photobooth - $11,000


Back in the good ole days of '93, being 12 meant your idea of killing boredom was shelling out $4 for some out-of-focus pics with your friends, made in the photo booth next to the Wallgreens that had that little automatic metal cattle gate at the entrance. That mall now sits empty and deserted, or has been turned into medical offices, and the world's 14 year olds are too busy popping caps in their dads and sucking dick in the middle school janitor's closet to give a crap about a photo booth.

So maybe you're looking to recreate the nostalgia of the pre-90210 era (that would be the 90209 era for those of you who're bad at math). Or maybe you're trying to attract your own personal mid-western Amelie and just can't find any photobooths in which to make headshots you can scatter Johhny Appleseed-like all around Kansas City. If so, this photobooth would look just great in your Ruckus Room.

Under the "You May Need" section, don't forget to pick up an extra roll of film. For $500. At least the shipping and handling is only two grand.

Ahhh... fuck it. I'm already tired of writing this. If you want to see more of their ridiculous crap, I suggest you troll around their site and post your findings in the comments. Or stop wasting your time looking at things you're never gonna buy and go get everyone in your family a Wall-E DVD for Christmas.

The Preds just lost and I'm cranky.

2 comments:

  1. R M Khan said,
    This comment has been removed by the author.

    on January 8, 2017 at 4:53 PM  


  2. MD Hasan said,

    What’s up, every time i used to check blog posts here in the early hours in the break of day, for the reason that i enjoy to gain knowledge of more and more.
    Retractable Baby Gate

    on January 8, 2017 at 4:55 PM