Thumbs up for itchy genitalia!David Duchovny is entering a treatment facility for sex addiction.
The former X-files star and current golden-globe winning best comic actor for the tv series Californication (which I have never seen and never even heard of until I read the article about his precocious cock) entered a facility Thursday, and is asking for, "respect and privacy for my wife and children as we deal with this situation as a family."

I'm sure sex addiction really exists. And it's probably a difficult problem that fucks your life up pretty thoroughly. I imagine it's hard to keep any sort of relationship, friendship, or career going if you're indiscriminately fucking anything that moves.
But you'll have to color me skeptical on this one. In the past ten years or so, it seems like EVERY celebrity that cheats on his wife blames it on "sex addiction". I guess they don't realize that sex addiction is a lot different from just wanting to fuck everything that points its genitals in your general direction-- that's called "having a penis". Most guys with penises realize that you have to restrain that tiny monster if you're going to maintain lasting relationships with the people you care about. Male celebrities choose to ignore this social norm because, well, they're male celebrities-- a rare breed whose stupidity is only eclipsed by the size of their massive hubris. But they need to know that choosing to ignore your conscience and fuck whatever's wet and nearby just because you are famous and you want to doesn't make you a sex addict-- it just makes you a jerk.

That's the way it's been, since Alexander the Great-- probably the first male celebrity-- roamed the Euro-Asian continent conquering, pillaging, amassing, and copiously dipping his quill in many a Macedonian ink pot. He surely got way more than his fair share of that bushy, ancient Greek pussy. Yum yum.
And he was entitled to it, because back then, women sucked. They put up with that shit because they didn't have a choice. Let your husband run around on you, or you get killed and replaced.

And run around they did. There is a mathematical formula explaining the relationship between how much and how often a man fucks to the size of his ego, his military, or his wallet. The degree and frequency of fornication is exponentially proportional to the amounts of power, fame, and money he has amassed.

In ancient times, more money, power, and fame equaled more pussy because it meant you could afford to buy more wives or slaves (oh wait, they're the same thing), or conquer more neighboring kingdoms (and get more wife-slaves), or be famouser and get more wives or slaves as gifts from the devoted fans of your talented painting, sculpting, or mud farming.
NOW, increased power, money, or fame leads to more pussy because... well, women still suck. Not all women, mind you (just like not all men will cheat on their wives if given the chance) but a significant enough proportion of them to make me a dedicated misanthropist.

In spite of all my hope for the world, and Barack Obama's halcyon promises of reformatory change, there are still billions of women out there who think that sleeping with a man will make him like you.

Idiots. Anal sex is not a friendship bracelet.

But this nasty cycle will continue on down the years in perpetuity because there are also billions of men whom, if given the chance, would love nothing more than to accommodate those delusional broads by diddling their dingles in their doodle holes.

Maybe David Duchovny really does have a problem with sex addiction. If that's the case, then I really do feel (somewhat) bad for him. As psychological disorders go, I'd rather be a sex addict than a schizophrenic or a sociopath, but it's still got to be difficult to deal with it.

But... I mean... the guy married Tea Leoni. And his last name is suspiciously close to the word "Douche". So, I'm just gonna have to drop the gavel on this one and rule it "Horny asshole-i-tude." Throw him in a cell with all the other sex addiction perjurers. He and Usher can give each other homemade prison tats while Kobe Bryant and Charlie Sheen build tiny log cabins out of Lucky Strikes. Maybe he'll collaborate with Robbie Williams and they'll put out a shitty shitty album together. After parole, he and Michael Douglas (yes, that Michel Douglas.. Ewww) can go on a tour speaking at community colleges all over Arkansas, spreading the word that sex addiction is no longer a valid defense against the crime of being a dick bag.

Just like not all murderers can get away with killing someone because they claim insanity, not all philanderers can get way with indiscriminate fucking because they cry satryiasis. Regardless of whether the charge is murder or just ADHD genitalia, bullshit is still bullshit. And you can't get away with doing whatever you want by labeling it as a psychological disorder after the fact.

So I hereby implore all male celebrities (Kanye West),juvenile hangers-on (Kevin Federline), and male pseudo-celebrities (Lindsay Lohan) to stop using the Sexual Addiction defense, when it's really just a case of you being an asshole. The prison of America's cultural wasteland is already overcrowded, and there's no more room for us to facilitate your "rehabilitation" you when you so obviously perjure yourselves in the court of "who gives a fuck".

That cell-block is full.

3 comments:

  1. Kate said,

    Sex addiction is a serious problem, that I seriously doubt any of these celebrities have. It's a cop out and they jump on a bandwagon because it seems safer than admitting they are manwhores.

    Anyone who's really dealt with sex addiction knows better.

    on August 29, 2008 at 10:22 AM  


  2. Davis said,

    "Sex can be a natural zest enterprise. But there are some people, it's called satyriasis in men, and nymphomania in women, who engage in it compulsively and without joy."

    You see, in the end, everything can be explained with a Big Lebowski quote.

    on August 29, 2008 at 10:53 AM  


  3. Kelliente said,

    Satyriasis huh? You see, if I had studied The Big Lebowski more carefully, I wouldn't have made the mistake of calling it "nymphomania" in my post.

    Lesson Learnt.

    on August 29, 2008 at 11:37 AM