Advice taken from my personal experiences with Heavenly Images Dental Center in Berry Hill (They were supposed to become my new dentist today).

1

Appearance is Everything!
Create what real estate professionals call "curb appeal" by painting the exterior of your one-story brick bungalow a nauseating shade of pepto-pink. Instead of actual landscaping, opt for plastic flowers stolen from the nearby Woodlawn cemetary and unceremoniously stuck in the ground funerary-style. Be sure the outside of your door looks like it's been kicked in a few times when you forgot your key, and has a plastic dollartree sign hanging on it announcing (in Spanish) that even though it is 3:00 in the afternoon and someone has an appointment, you are closed and will return at 8:00 in the morning.

2

You Can't Eat Atmosphere!
Make the hole in the yellowed-with-age bulletproof-style glass separating your receptionist from the waiting room incredibly small and at chest level, thereby ensuring that anyone but Estelle Getty will have to stoop awkwardly like a pack mule to either talk to you or hear what you're saying. Also, play smooth, smooth jazz at ridiculous volumes over your satelite radio-- loud enough to almost, but not quite, drown out the angry midday judge television program turned up way too high on the waiting room tv. Have NO magazines whatsoever. Only brochures about gum disease.

3

The Devil is in the Details!
Be scrupulous with your Paperwork! Be sure to request your first-time patients' "Martial" status, because it is important to know whether or not their teeth have seen active combat. Be sure to ask for their insurance & address information in three different places, but make the spaces in all of them far too small for anyone but Emperor Ully Gue to write in properly. Use copious amounts of semicolons; and use them improperly.

4

Maximize Your Profit-Making Potential!:
Partner your dental practice with the Amway-style peddling of unrelated products that have not been ADA (or even FDA) approved. On your first time patient paperwork, be sure to make your prospective DENTAL patients check 'Yes' or 'No' boxes on pushy, telelmarkety, junk mail style questions like:

  • "Did you know that factors like diet, lifestyle, physical activity and nutritional supplements could minimize possible negative metabolic effects?"
  • "Would you benefit in receiving a lifestyle program and dietary supplement?"

    At this point, they should no longer be certain whether they are about to receive a dental exam or a free sample of NONI juice.

    Then, when you've really got 'em hooked, present them with a giant blockquote statement they are required to inital, informing them that:

    "I will recommend you use, as part of my treatment program, one or more nutritional supplements. I recommend this supplement or these suppplements because I believe your health will benefit from your use of them. I want you to know that, because of my belief in the integrity and effectiveness of these supplements, that I am a distributor of these products and, in that role; I may receive commission from your purchase of these supplements. Please ask to speak with me if you have any concerns about my recommendation in light of this information."


    5

    Fuck 'em hard- they'll enjoy it more, the ignorant little sluts!
    Charge a mandatory $30.00, non-insurance covered "Oral Hygiene Instruction" Fee with every visit. Because anyone who would actually choose you as their dentist has been anally raped in their frontal lobe and needs to be told how to brush their fucking teeth for $30.00 with each visit.

    And finally, Bar the door. That way, if the sheer force of your nasty atitude doesn't keep them in the office when they express their reservations about some of the items in your paperwork, the electrified STEEL will.

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