For this product, describing the awesomeness is as simple as posting it's picture:



Pop Quiz Clock by Decor Craft Incorporated.

thanks boingboing

I have a problem with 90% of the "average American women" over 30 that I encounter on a daily basis. 90% of them.
I see them everywhere. They make me regret owning, or at least renting, a uterus. As men grow older they become distinguished, kooky, funny, laughable, eccentric, pervy, or at the very least, comfortable. As women grow older they become... lame.

My ire was roused today partly by the legions of overprotective mothers shepherding incoming freshmen around campus for today's orientation, and partly by my personal frustration that openly carrying around the July issue of GQ magazine makes me feel a little awkward because it has a hot, pantiless, knee high sport sock wearing Gisele Bundchen on the cover.

I'm not worried about how men will look at that cover. I don't care if they do. It also does not personally embarrass me to carry around a photo of a hot chick showing some serious side nudity.

What I worry about is the reponse I get if some of the "let's share a bloomin' onion and some margaritas after work cuz we're sassy" office lady crowd happen to see it. Most of the time I keep the magazine tucked inside my breifcase. And when I pull it out to read it on breaks, I quickly flip it open to the article I want to read and lay it cover-down on the table in an effort to avoid, "I don't think that's appropriate for work" statements or comments about how showing a hot, half-naked body objectifies women.

You wanna know what objectifies women? THE BIBLE fucking objectifies women. Have you ever actually read that thing?? But they sure as hell wouldn't criticize people for carrying that around.

I pulled the magazine out today to read it on my lunch break while sitting next to a table that looked like a Dress Barn and bacon salad had exploded all over it and someone forgot to wipe it up. The table was full of women who were spending their lunchtime losing bone density while talking about how they're not gonna retire "but it's just nice to know they have that option if they feel like it". When I laid the magazine on the table I got looks of consternation from two of the bitch hogs. Thankfully, I was sitting too close for them to start talking about how GQ magazine will corrupt their children OR discussing their doubts about my dubious sexual orientation.

I was already feeling a bit itchy in my feminine place from observing the Wooly MOMoths grazing around campus today, so those sideways glances really pissed me off.

I'm not afraid, ashamed, or angry when I look at a semi-nude chick. I either think, "Hey, she's hot. I like her hair," "I bet she's dumb as a pile of gut chutney," or else, "Wow. Nasty but'er face."
So if I'm not bothered by it, why is anyone else?

Honestly, if you have a serious problem with Gisele Bundchen naked from the waist down & humping a pillow on the cover of a (well-written, poignant, interesting) men's periodical, it's because YOU'RE fat and ugly... On the inside if not on the outside as well. You're bitter and plain and your hair is cut like a man. You wear novelty earrings and sweaters with sparkly shit on it. Your spider venis read like a map of the New Jersey Turnpike. I hate you.

So why don't you go hop on a figurative exercycle and burn those dangly bags of blubber off the kankles and knegs of your slovenly pretend-feminist soul before you cast dispersions on my reading selections?

Have you ever read GQ? Do you know how brilliant "The Fecal Position" article by Shalom Auslander that's in this month's issue is?
Of course you dont!! You're too busy reading US magazine articles about Jamie Lynn Spear's breastfeeding techniques and cluck-clucking your fat, bloated, tongue about how she's a terrible rolemodel for your children-- as if the rip in the condom or antibiotics interferring with birth control or brilliant Spears family child-rearing tactics that lead to her getting knocked up will infect your own idiotic spawn, brainwashing them into thinking teen motherhood sounds like a goddamn brilliant idea.

You spread criticism and blame faster than that highly contagious monkey from the movie Outbreak spread a mutation of the ebola virus. You spread it far and wide because sex is a perfunctory duty you endure for your husband because the bible tells you to and criticizing things smart people don't give a fuck about is the only thing that makes you feel good anymore.
Jamie Lynn's parents are to blame. It's the public school system. Or maybe it's that nebulous, inchoate, universally evil scape goat of all scape goats, "THE MEDIA"-- the unhappy punching bag of Access Hollywood-educated, arm chair pundits everywhere who are too lazy to research and identify the real source of any problem.

You act like you'd be happy if Jamie Lynn Spears had never become a pseudo-celebrity and that it's mildly tragic that she had a kid at the age of 16 ("Bless her heart").
But don't think for one second that I don't realize that you LOVE EVERY FUCKING MINUTE OF IT.
You get a real kick out of regurgitating the hackneyed morals of your power-walking herd. You treasure any female celebrity's bad behavior as a savory nugget of validating self-righteousness; fuel for your deliciously delusional denial that some 16 year old girl's life is NOT in fact fantastically superior to your own. Because although she was on TV, is moderately famous, and has probably already made more money than you will make in your entire lifetime, she got baby-filled at 16-- which (let's be honest here ladies) is probably only two years younger than you were when you squirted your first blob of humanity out of that dank, flesh-colored sharpei you call a vagina.

I don't EVER want to be a part of your crowd. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I never want to own more beige underwear than colored. I will never shop at Fashion Bug or buy clothes from Cracker Barrel. And although I do enjoy the occasional novelty earring, I never, ever want to become so bitter at my failure of a life that the sight of a hot chick's naked body incites me to vomit venom and bile at the nearest thing with boobs under 40.

So, what I want to know is, can I exchange my uterus for an iPhone?

HTML tattoo

Now that's dedication to geeky word puns:



thanks Geeokologie


Gizmodo recently blogged about a rumor that's been floating around the inter-ether for a few days now. A rumor that would make gadget geeks everywhere cream their skinny jeans with joy and bite their life-sized pedo anime girl body pillows in anticipation if it's true. And that would be the rumor of a MacBook Touch as early as October of this year.

The rumor describes the general functionality of the hypothetical Macbook using poor grammar and lots of speculation:

Think MacBook screen, possibly a bit smaller, in glass with iPhone-like, but fuller-featured multi-touch. Gesture library. Full Mac OS X. This is why they bought P.A. Semi. Possibly with Immersion's haptic tech. Slot-loading SuperDrive. Accelerometer. GPS. Pretty expensive to produce initially, but sold at "low" price that will reduce margins. Apple wants to move these babies. And move they will. This is some sick shit. App Store-compatible, able to run Mac apps, too. By October at the latest.


Personally, I agree with Geeokologie that "Trusted sources don't say 'This is some sick shit.' That's like a back alley plastic surgeon promising you "the sweetest fuckin' knockers this eye ever saw" while tapping his eyepatch and waving a machete."

All this = not a good enough reason for me to pass up buying a new Macbook on taxfreee weekend.



thanks Nashvillest

I was trying to tell myself that I didn't want one, that I was above all that hype. But after seeing one last night in a bar, I have to say: FUCKING WANT.

Here's to living vicariously through your gadget god-ness.

From indeepop
PlayzMedusa 2Magic 2Fun in my BrainBears

from Pixelgirl

UngerUntitledSlip Into Something A Little...VS232Black Belt in BreakupsAcid Jack Simple PimpDaften DirektMonster MashLife is ColorfulCirclesRabbitsUrban DecayMonster

From Deviant Art
Muddle Together by AwaywithwordsPrice of Gas by Con-SafoCanary Wharf by SophietteOrange and Apple Eyes by Con-SafoRun Free by LarafairieTardis Parking Only by Cathoris

Uncomfortably funny to watch.



thanks Nitweet

Thweet

Future President of the United States:


I didn't know the Seven Dwarves came in Chinese flavor:


Eddiestential Dillema:


Worst hyperbole EVER:


I'm a Paladin with 18 charisma and 97 hit points. I can use my helm of disintegration and do one D4 damage as my half-elf mage wields his plus-five holy avenger:
Congratulations! You are not allowed to reproduce.


There are a TON of music rags out there. And, let's face it-- most of them suck.

So, if you've become blase about the whole music news industry, I don't blame you. You may want to skip reading the rest of this article.

Also, if you're one of those people who already has subscriptions to so many music mags you've built your furniture out of hot glue and old issues of Rolling Stone, I'm not suggesting that you over-burden yourself with reading another one-- Lord knows I already have a hard enough time keeping up with music blogs, All songs considered, and my friends' last.fm pages.

But for those of us who hold out hope for print media, Paste magazine is a pretty solid attempt at reporting on aural stimulation. They have a digital edition that is actually readable, interesting articles like "Why Rabbits Hate Sigur Ros", and a subscription policy that lets readers name their own price.

Nice.


The entire movie in 3-second intervals.

David Lee Roth 'Runnin' with the Devil' vocal track.
Make sure you make it to 1:55.



thanks Cwage

While talking with Jamie over lunch today, somehow the subject of beanie babies came up, which left us wondering about the remaining relative value of what some people's mother in laws considered a legitimate retirement and/or college fund investment back in 1995.

The data is a bit sketchy and scattered, coming mostly from Wikipedia, The Ty website (which pulls up with a Netscape logo in the address bar and appropriately looks like something straight out of 1997) and price figures culled from eBay.
From my reading, I can tell you that there is a HUGE disconnect between what people think the approximate value of a "rare" beanie baby should be, and what people are actually willing to pay for it. Although there is the occasional odd bird (or bear) that will go for hundreds of dollars, the value is still nothing near what the people now selling these plush, cuddly bags of tripe paid for them in 1995.

Based on the data gathered in my scientifically scrupulous research methods, I have come up with the following chart which accurately depicts the relative value of Beanie Babies in "Mint" condition for the period 1993-2008:



As you can see, Beanie Babies started off in 1992 with a relative value somewhere between Miller Lite and Lint (Pocket, not Dryer) then gradually inched up until hitting the Dog Turd plateau of '94. This was followed by a skyrocketing in popularity, until the BBs (as I like to call them) hit their peak value in late 1995, being valued at slightly more fiscal worth than an El Camino (1984). Since that time, the value of a beanie baby has steadily decreased to the current, low level.

In 1997, a Princess Diana bear went for about $4,000 when it first hit the market. It's now worth about 25 bucks, for a net loss of $3,975.
Conversely, if they would have put that money into a modestly-performing mutual fund that only gained about $5 per share in value over the last 11 years, they would have made $463 dollars.

SUCK IT.


The Sports Illustrated website has an interesting (and worrying) article about the economic troubles being faced by high school athletics programs all across the country. While they're obviously being affected by general economic malaise, high gas prices are also affecting adolescent all-stars:

"Florida's troubles aren't difficult to trace. High gas prices have forced would-be tourists to stay home. Without those tourists, the state doesn't collect as much sales-tax revenue (Florida has no state income tax). With less revenue, the state has less available to give to school districts. Despite that, districts still must adhere to a state constitution amendment, passed by voters in 2003, that limits class size. With most of the money earmarked for the classroom, districts have struggled to pay for helmets, for volleyball nets or for gas to fill buses for away game trips."

This is a frightening trend considering most school districts in states without income taxes get the large majority of their funding from sales tax. As the economy falters and consumers spend less, the school systems lose much of their funding. Which in the end creates a vicious cycle that might continue itself in perpetuity if students can't receive the kind of quality education that will lead to the creation and availability of well-paying jobs that can revive the economy and schools in turn. See how it's all connected?

Most of the country didn't do much to stop the slow starvation of fine arts programs. But will they really let school districts flip the switch on their Friday Night Lights?

viaSports Illustrated

According to Neil Sedaka's seminal 60's pop hit, "Breaking up is Hard to Do."
And while this is true, and I appreciate the Brooklyn tenor's venerable efforts at bespeaking romantic truths in the context of "two minutes and sixteen seconds of pure pop magic", I have an issue to take up with Mr. Sedaka.
Like that 16th Century astronomer with the brass nose, Sedaka overlooked an important corrolary that when considered, radically effects the entire makeup of the relationship universe.
He needed to make another hit single entitled, "Breaking up is Hard to do.. but trying to get back together is waaaaaaaaay fucking harder."

Recent experiences have taught me about the torture, anxiety, guilt, unfounded expectations, doubt, unbearable hope, and baseless paranoia involved with trying to rescue and revive a former relationship. I've never attempted this before, and I've never had it done to me. But I can tell you that the level of torture is at least as bad as (if not worse than) actually breaking up.

Usually, when you break up with someone, either one or the both of you are certain enough of the wisdom in ending your affectionate interaction that, aside from the stray "goodbye" fuck some of you like to indulge in, the relationship is gradually but determindly put to death and allowed to rest peacefully under an epitaph of drunk dials and whiny blog entries.

But sometimes you make a big mistake.

I stand before you today, admitting my idiocy, and generally deprecating the decision-making processes I have used in determining the direction of my life for the past year. I spent the last twelve months or so in Japan, during which time--due to homesickness, lonliness, or the general mind-fuck of living in that country (I'm still not exactly sure)-- I made what I now consider to be the worst mistake of my life: breaking up with the boy I love.

And I am not exaggerating, in the way overly emotional teenagers proclaim that they've had the "worst day of their life" because they couldn't get Hannah Montana tickets or whatever the fuck 13 year olds get emotional about these days.
I am serious. This is easily the stupidest, most horrible, worst decision I have ever made. And if it cannot be undone, I will spend the rest of my life regretting it and wondering what might have been.

In short, I've been a real asshat.

So, in celebration of my own idiocy and regret, I give you this incomprehensible list of movies which prove that love can be salvaged-- to give myself (and maybe you) hope that second chances really are possible after all.
AND that people get back together more often than you'd think.
List of songs coming later this week.

Movies where couples break up and Get back together
Loser
Valley Girl
Funny Face
Say Anything
My Fair Lady
Say It Isn't So
Fanny (1961)
She's All That
The Break-Up
Music & Lyrics
Kiss Me, Kate!
Half a Sixpence
A Lot Like Love
The MatchMaker
Run, Fatboy, Run
The Tao of Steve
Just Like Heaven
The Goodbye Girl
Love & Basketball
Wimbledon (2004)
Barefoot in the Park
Meet Me in St. Louis
My Sassy Girl (2001)
An American in Paris
Bridget Jones's Diary
Boy Meets Girl (1938)
Something New (2006)
Tears of the Black Tiger
Peggy Sue Got Married
10 Things I Hate About You
Mr. Hobbs Takes a Vacation
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
A Streetcar Named Desire~feature film and TV version

And don't take any internet advice. Just be honest with yourself and with them.

BSG Season 3 Gag Reel -

Who knew they were so gassy?

In 1992 John McCain called his wife a cunt??? Why hasn't this been on the news??



Oh. Okay.

And by the way, Iowa Baptist minister with balls of steel, yes, it's real. He really did call his wife a cunt.



Last-minute amendments added into an otherwise comprehensive telecom bill would create a copyright infringement law requiring ISP's in the European Union to refuse internet access to any user who is accused of copyright infringement 3 times. Notice I said accused, not convicted. read more.

The law would remove judcial power and human peer review from the process, instead letting electronic filtering and surveilance devices make the decision as to whether or not someone is violating copyright law, and then taking measures to effectively ban that person from being able to use the internet.

Not only do I find the last-minute "backdoor" actions which led to the proposed law being tacked onto an otherwise sensible telecom bill shady and reprehensible, I am severely bothered by the lack of due process it supports. I also find it rather disturbing that the music, movie, and software industries effectively have the power to regulate and supervise the knowledge to which human beings are allowed access.

For me, the internet represents the modern realization of the ideals set forth during The Enlightenment. Unmitigated access to almost the totality of the world's knowledge-- for better or worse-- was the dream of all those who in the 18th century grew sick of the repression and restriction of knowledge perpetrated by the church and state, and gave birth to a movement fueled by knowledge, logic, and philosophy that would eventually lead to the French and American revolutions.

To think that access to that knowledge could be cut off at the mere accusation of actions which are undesirable to the music, movie, or software industries-- that access to englightenment could be blocked by greed and an interest in protecting some bloated corporate entity's bottom line-- is utterly repugnant.

The actions of the European Parliament have left the citizens of the EU very little time to respond to the proposed bill. The amendments were added less than a week ago, and if not for the outspoken objections of a few MEPs, would never even have been brought to light until it was too late.

The bill will be put to a vote this Monday, July 7th.
If you are a citizen of the EU, sites like Open Rights Group are urging you to become educated about this issue, and to contact your MEPs before this Monday to let him or her know that you are opposed to these disturbing last-minute additions to the "Telecom Package".
The site also tells you how to find and contact your MEPs, and gives advice on points to argue in your letters and phone calls.

I hope, not only for the sake of the EU but for the rest of the world's proponents of open rights, that the package is not allowed to pass in its current form. Enacting such a law would violate every ideal of freedom of knowledge and access to truth that so many of our countries have mortally struggled to protect.

source via boingboing

This week, the Mashuk-Akva Term spa in Russia unveiled their new, painstakingly sculpted 800 pound brass monument...to enemas.



"There is no kitsch or obscenity, it is a successful work of art," the spa's director told The Associated Press. "An enema is almost a symbol of our region."
source

thanks AsgardTex!


Metropolitan police departments in Boston, Louisville, Cincinnati, San Francisco and others have implemented anonymous text-message crime tip hotlines.
read the article

Police say that many tipsters feel more anonymous-- and thus, more comfortable-- using a texting tip system rather than phoning in a tip. So far, in certain cities, the texts have yielded several drug arrests and helped close a few murder cases, not to mention the huge upsurge in reports of misdemeanor crimes like petty vandalism and illegal dumping-- you know, the things you see all the time but would never bother to actually CALL the cops about? In those cases, it's not a question of feeling comfortable with anonymity so much as wondering if anyone really cares or if relating that information will make a difference. But with texts to police, just like with texts to friends, you feel more comfortable sending short bits of possibly unimportant information that doesn't really warrant a full phone call.

Personally, I think this is a great idea and hope that the Nashville Metropolitan Police could consider implementing such a system. There's no question that it would be used. Just last night I saw a Nashville texter twittering about a car he had seen being broken into.

Unfortunately, this system reeks of unconventionality, adaptability, and modern technology-- three things that the Metro Nashville PD usually avoid like anthrax.

This commercial for Japanese cell-phone company E-mobile is causing quite a stink. The ad depicts a Macack monkey giving a political speech as supporters cheer and wave signs that say "Change", clearly a reference to Barack Obama.



The subject of racism in Japan is always a tricky one. It definitely exists, but is more often the result of innocent (or ignorant) misconceptions that are the result of nationally embraced foreign cutural stereotypes rather than any conscious malicious intent. The country of Japan is about 90% racially homogenous, and has been since it's inception. The 200 year-long xenophobic seclusion of the Edo period certainly didn't do anything to encourage non-Japanese cultural or racial inclusion. Typically, if you don't look Japanese, you are considered a "foreigner", regardless of how many generations your family has actually lived in Japan and been Japanese citizens. That type of discrimination does exist, and is yet another embodiment of the culturally engrained proclivity to view all matters from a reference point of what is "inside" and "outside".

In the case of this E-mobile commercial however, I don't think the motivating factor was racism. E-mobile has used the Macack monkey as it's mascot in several of it's commercials over the past two years. Many of the adds often involve the monkey depicting a well-known politician or businessman in a satirical way.

I think we can chalk this one up to a case of cultural ignorance. E-mobile looks rather foolish for being unaware that portraying someone who is black or of mixed race as a monkey would be seen as racially offensive by Americans. But can a foible caused by cultural ignorance be considered racist?