If you happened to have been watching Nashville Public Access Television at 11PM last night, you will have seen me making an ass out of myself, dancing in the front row (in full camera frame) at a local rock show.

Part of me thought it was really cool that I was on tele for being a cock at a local rock show. But most of me was just mortified.

It used to be that you could get really, violently drunk, go to a show, and full-on stroke out in the front row without worrying about it popping up on television, or the internet, or coming back to haunt you in the middle of a campaign for head of the local school board. Now, whenever I am out in public in the presence of aural stimulation, I can't just let go, whack out, and forget about all my problems-- I've got to constantly be on the lookout for a nosy camera or phone that would like to publish my atrocious dancing on the internet.

It's every uptight white girl's worst irrational fear come to life! Turns out everyone really IS watching what you do and talking smack about it. In the moment, no one really cares what you look like when you're dancing, because you're all just having fun, cutting loose, and mutually making fools of yourselves. But when transferred to video, it opens your actions up to scorching critique from third parties who weren't there, weren't drunk, and probably never dance but just stand in the corner with their arms crossed, slightly nodding their heads while sipping PBR and pissing about something inane.

I want to be able to dance like a fool-- to let go in a violently shaking, arm slinging, head-banging, pogo-ing, kinetic catharsis-- WITHOUT it being recorded for public record and future scrutiny. Is that too much to ask?
Most of all, I don't want to see what I look like when I dance. Now that I've seen it, it's gonna be hard to do that in public again without feeling like a self-conscious ass.

And so, to make my embarrassment complete:
Episode 19 of "Optic Audio". See if you can guess which over-enthusiastic, spastic crowd member is me.

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